I need to vent and maybe the world will embrace my pain and help me heal. I never reach out instead I internalize everything. Perhaps this will teach me to talk…
I need to vent and maybe the world will embrace my pain and help me heal. I never reach out instead I internalize everything. Perhaps this will teach me to talk…
I believe I have an obsession about you. It’s not an unhealthy obsession but more of a fascination. When i stare at your pictures it’s not like a woman who is staring at the eyes of her lover. The stare is more like that of a fan who is obsessed with a star she has never met. It’s not something I can quite place my finger on. When I see you though and you’re in front of me or you text or even the rare times you call it’s like I’m star struck. I’m left in awe of what is before me. Obsessions are created more from people who have never met their favorite actor or singer or famous persona. That’s the thing though, to me it’s like you’re this unattainable person and yet I’ve tasted you in so many different ways. I don’t think that’s something I’ll ever stop feeling no matter the time that passes or what may transpire between us………
What is that thing we call love? Is it really all that wonderful and patient and all that other jazz they talk about? We watch it on tv, listen about it in our music, visualize it through words in a story. We want to experience it the way it’s so described and depicted. The truth though is that it comes in so many different shapes and forms and by the time it trickles down to us it’s been tainted, broken down and so diluted that it’s hard to see the beauty in it. The beauty though is there and it’s present because no matter how many times we get broken, we push through it and again give it life by believing in the next person we feel might bring us light. It’s the possibility of that light and that new beginning and maybe even prospect of happily ever after that keeps our hearts and minds open to the possibility.
We get broken down to a cold and hopeless place. We cry and scream and do whatever is necessary to exorcize the pain from within our minds; but somehow we manage to get past it and begin anew. Why? Why do we venture out knowing that the possibility of anguish could one day come knocking at our door again? We do it because there is still that hope that the next time someone will come and give us a kiss that will breed new life and the possibility of new love. The hope of love…
Are we masochists though that we would take a chance that could ultimately lead us to another hurtful and devastating point in our lives? Why take the chance despite the hope within us that true love could finally come knocking on our door? We take those chances because of that euphoric feeling that ignites our very beings. You wake up, stare at his or her pictures, you daydream all day, you try to steal a look here or there, maybe even with social media now, go through their feed and imagine them with you or rather you with them. These small gestures make us feel alive again. It’s a feeling we all want and desire. It is why we continue to give in to so called love knowing it might not end well.
Love in its totality is so beautiful. It shows us our best and it show us our worst. It’s about learning from both spectrums about ourselves. In the end what we seek is for someone to stick by us as we would stick by them; to show up and to just be there. Do I believe in love? I do. Despite seeing myself at lows which I can’t even describe, I still believe. I still believe that one day I’ll sit next to the love of my life and stare into their eyes and a peace will come over me like never before and I’ll know that it was all worth it just to be there at that moment.
This piece is dedicated to DW for reminding me that there is still good in people and the possibility of love is always one turn of the corner away…..
I close my eyes and I can feel his fingers pressing on my face and pulling me up from my knees to his face. I can feel the pressure of his left hand on my arm asserting his authority over me. Only he can. He is the only one that controls my mind, my heart, my body and my soul.
I close my eyes and he is here with me. The time between our play dates are long and far in between and so my mind can only create these fantasies. For now my mind is escaping into this realm.
I close my eyes and he is kissing me. Pulling me and enveloping me with his own skin. The sweat and perspiration from his skin rubs on mine and it infuses in my own skin. I welcome it because it’s a part of him and all I want is him on me in any way.
I close my eyes and I can smell him. His natural manly scent that is like an aphrodisiac for me. When he is near all my sense are on fire. His scent is so natural and so him. I know when he is near. My body is programmed like a dog to smell his presence.
I close my eyes and he is undressing me with his teeth. Animalistic in his bedroom ways. The savage beast within him that only I can tame. He is in control but my body and pleasures tame his soul and feed his fire all at the same time.
I close my eyes and I’m on my knees again. His finger has instructed me to get down in front of him and has penetrated my lips. He has warmed my tongue up with his fingers. His fingers have been shoved down my throat and I have knelt there and taken it.
I close my eyes and his cock is demanding spit from my lips, I provide it. My lips commence an assault on his monster and I give in to the pleasure that bursts within me. I live for giving him pleasure. It is what defines me.
I close my eyes and his cock is sliding slowly inside me. His head leans back a bit and then comes forward so that our eyes interlock. I can’t help but try and hold my breath and moan at the same time from the intense pleasure as he enters me. I’m in heavenly bliss and I don’t want him to stop.
I close my eyes and air in the room is dense. Our breathing is slowing down and the euphoria dissipating. Our foreheads are touching because the mental connection still remains; the only thing that matters. His lips come up to my forehead and I close my eyes…
My nails scrape against the skin slowly as my fingers wrap around it’s thickness. I slide my fingers up and grip it tightly and I then slide them back down. The skin is dry and I look up for a moment before I dart my tongue out on it making it slippery and smooth. That feeling of desire grows within me because i know the sexual desire in you has now grown. The wetness has made this ten times more intense. My fingers slide up and down smoothly now. My tongue licks the milk that comes out of the small eye. I twirl the tongue round and round the head until the small gasp escapes your lips. I suck the head gently and slowly suck the rest of the shaft inside my mouth. Slowly I glide my lips up and down while pausing at the head momentarily and sucking it like a pacifier. I pick up my speed and start again the gliding motion up and down the shaft. I look up again to show you that your cock is mine. I live for it, breath for it, I was made for bringing it unadulterated pleasure. Your hand grabs my hair and pulls it off to the left side, just enough to put your cock on the inside of my cheek . With your right hand you slap my outer cheek a few times at the head that now is jutting at the inside of my right face. It’s your reminder that I’m yours. You can do whatever you please and your brute show of force I welcome.
Sometimes you wake up and you realize it’s just you. You are all you have and it’s ok. It’s ok because you know you are going to make it and no one is going to tell you otherwise. Life throws so many curve balls at you and the only thing you can do is keep trying to get it out of the ballpark. Today is like any other day and I know I just have to embrace it. The last two weeks I’ve cleansed my mind, thoughts and heart of all negative things. It’s hard to just let go and move forward but even this idea of holding on to a lost hope of a miracle baby was holding me back. I’m letting go because I don’t want anything holding me back. Every day I see and feel the changes in my body and I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to talk about it and I don’t know who to turn to. One minute I’m burning up and the next I’m freezing. My menstrual cycle is highly irregular and doesn’t even show up sometimes. Yes I’m still young for what I’m going through but I believe I’m pre-menopausal. Unfortunately it’s something that runs in my family, the early onset of menopause. Life is cruel but it’s a reality I need to accept. I think though I’m really coming to terms with it. It’s insane how a month or two can make you see things differently. I started running again and it helps a lot. It’s a real escape to just hit the pavement and go. It’s a time when my mind is most free and liberated. I can let go of my pain and anger and feel truly at peace. What still bothers me is waking up and not having someone to talk to. Sure I have my girlfriends I can reach out to but all of them have kids. They can’t even begin to understand me. They are also either married or with someone so I don’t call because I don’t want to be that friend that just calls to cry and complain. To be honest they say things sometimes that are so inappropriate and just wrong because they simply do not understand. At our gatherings I’ve even stopped talking as much as I used to but I don’t think anyone has even noticed. I’m tired of the senseless comments. I lay in bed terrified at meeting up with my friends tomorrow and excited at a girls night out but I can’t hide either. I welcome the one or two that truly know to not speak out of terms and I walk away from the idiotic and hurtful comments. I know they mean well but why friends don’t stop and actually look up WHAT NOT TO SAY to their infertile friend is beyond me. Plus I’ve always been good at just keeping things to myself and smiling at the world. It’s what I do best. I smile, laugh and keep it all bottled in.
I think I came to a realization that Infertility was either going to define me or I was simply going to kick it in the ass and keep moving. I of course chose the latter. I decided to look at it and simply smile because I couldn’t change anything. Why live with a pain that you have no control over? Don’t get me wrong, I still feel that God played me dirty in this thing called life but i have simply decided that it wasn’t going to be something that defines who I am as a person. Do I pray for miracles? Yes of course! I don’t think you truly ever stop hoping. It’s about finding a balance. It’s about not letting that hope be 95% of your day; maybe just 15 lol! I can wake up and know I won’t be a mom and it’s not as overwhelming as it was. Accepting it was my first step and that was the hardest part. Once I realized I had to let go of these dreams that wouldn’t come to fruition then the rest of my feelings followed suit. I feel I’m in a good place right now. Running has become my go to for all worries and stress dumps. I even started exercising a bit at home so I can get my body back in shape. If I can’t get fat and swollen and have back pains due to pregnancy then I might as well try to lose this excess weight, work towards looking fabulous physically and give fitness a real try by embracing my infertility. I know I have a long way to go in terms of true acceptance but I have started and for me that is a real breakthrough. I reached a point where I couldn’t just lay in bed crying every morning or every night. I also stopped imagining that men will be ok with my infertility so I stay away from men who have no kids. I don’t ever want a man to hold against me that I did not give him children. It’s so much that infertile women have to go through. The one man who has been a constant in my life this past year but not by any conventional means is not a father but is free to walk away when he sees fit. I dread that day and know it will be another grand loss for me but at least I am as mentally prepared as I can be. After our initial encounter I was forthcoming with him about my infertility and asked him to never speak of it. He has respected that and though I care for him deeply I know the time will come when he will meet a woman who can give him a home and a family and he will no longer be in my life. It pains me but not as much as it would pain me if he later would regret not being a father because he stuck with me. It’s another reality I live with and am working through mentally. Infertility sucks all around. There is no way to put it all in one neat package and even attempt to put a bow on. It’s a harsh reality that so many of us deal with. We can only do our best with the pain we have been dealt.
WRITTEN NOVEMBER 2017
For the past few weeks I haven’t been able to get out of bed to go running. Running has been my therapy. I’ve been struggling to get motivated or even be motivated. I’m just struggling. I don’t have a real partner that I can go to and have him hold me when I feel alone and in despair. My mom is here visiting but spends more time with the grandkids. My own sister, though she always listens is dealing with her own issues of infertility. I don’t have anyone to turn to. I feel very alone. Lost and in despair from not knowing what to do or where to turn to.
I don’t know why I’m even writing. I don’t want to hear that ‘stress is getting in the way’ or ‘if it’s meant to be it will happen’ or that ‘god has a plan for me’ or ‘take my kids’ or ‘kids are hard’ or whatever other nonsense people think is ok to say. Adopt or take on a hobby or some other bullshit is what people want to say because they don’t know. Baby shower invitations sit on my counter, my fridge is covered with thank you notes from moms who send pics of their kids and countless holiday cards with pictures of babies, kids and families. I’m not mad at them for I am not an envious and evil person but I want to be them. Is that wrong? To want what someone else has? I want to send out holiday cards with my babies, I want to invite people to my baby shower. I want to have a husband that leans his head into my pregnant stomach. I want swollen feet. I want to be woken in the middle of the night from a crying baby. Instead I’m mentally preparing myself to learn to accept that I will die alone and childless; I won’t become a mother. I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to accept. I’m struggling.
I don’t know why I can’t even sustain a relationship with a man. After my divorce some 6 years back I changed as a woman. I became more nurturing and loving. With my ex husband I was too rigid, calculated and sometimes manipulative. I have a great career. At home I’m what you can consider an ideal woman, I cook and clean and love having sex. Perhaps I scare men off. Perhaps I’m too aggressive and I swear I try my best not to be. Perhaps love simply isn’t in the cards for me. I have a man in my life but he will never be truly mine. He is young and the possibility of fatherhood is still present. I swear though i would stay with him even if he fathered elsewhere; if it was something he would want but I’m deviating. I can’t even really consider him mine since I never really spend time with him at all. I’ve been seeing him for about 8 months and our relationship is not a conventional one. It’s makes me sad to think I can’t be loved. How can i even consider asking someone like that anything in regards to my situation, like adoption? I’ve thought of adoption but if adoption is hard for a married couple imagine what it’s like for a single woman?
I bought my house almost 5 years ago and it was such an amazing milestone for me because I did it all on my own. The house was supposed to represent the beginning of a new life with someone I had met. I thought that in this home I would get a real marriage and a family with my white picket fence and a dog. That man left 1 week after I closed on my house and I’ve never spoken to him ever again. He went back to his ex-wife and I truly hope he is happy wherever he is. I wish no ill will towards anyone. In the end I busted my ass in this house and I loved it until recently I felt that this house was a burden weighing down on what my dreams were supposed to be. It’s time to let it go. My house will be on the market as early as this upcoming year. It’s time for me to accept that I’m alone and that I don’t need a 3 bedroom house with all this space just for me. It’s a big step but it’s an important one to begin my healing.
Will I ever understand why this has happened to me? I don’t know. Going through all those medical procedures and experiencing so many ups and downs definitely did a number on me and broke me down in ways I never imagined. Hiding it from people at work, which i still do but was much harder when i was injecting myself and taking a million vitamins and trying to stay stress free was even harder. Every 2 week wait that I experienced was horrible because it ended with a negative pregnancy.
That hope of a maybe and the possibility of one day cradling your newborn is so strong it makes even an atheist or agnostic believe. In the end after 9 or 10 failed procedures (I lost count) I gave up because of lack of funds and because my partner at the time just wasn’t there emotionally, financially or even physically. He simply did not care. He ended up leaving about 8 months after I stopped all the procedures and honestly it was for the best. I think he resented me for putting him through all the procedures though in the beginning he wanted it as much as I did. Also my asking that he be more supportive from all angles wasn’t something he knew how to do. He had mentally checked out somewhere after the 3rd or 4th procedure. I don’t hold anything against him but maybe if he would have shown more love I would have been pregnant. Maybe not but I can’t sit here and think about that.
I wish i could explain to you in so many words how hard it has been for me these past months without you. I’ve dreamed, fantasized and wondered so many different things. Being away from you though and that pain has been very real. I’ll confess I’ve even shed a tear or two because of it.
It’s crazy because you have got to be the most absent and distant person i have dealt with in my entire life but when you speak, you speak volumes. A few words and it’s enough to make me fall to my knees and hold on desperately to this insane fantasy in my head.
I know im Crazy and that these fantasies are mine alone but you are just perfect in my eyes. You can’t even begin to imagine all the insane things that pass through my mind. The many thoughts of the unknown that i allow my mind to think about, knowing damn well I’m being foolish.
I miss you my King. Nobody touches my heart and soul the way you have. No one ignites the flames in my eyes the way you have. Nobody penetrates the core of my very existence the way you have. It’s you, it’s always you……….
It’s that single thread of hope that we hold on to… it makes us feel a despair quite like no other. I ask God, why me? I did everything right in life. Never intentionally set out to hurt anyone. If I did hurt someone I sought them out and made peace with forgiveness. Yet here I am a woman who can’t conceive. No children to run around my legs. No laughter around me. Just an eerie silence that destroys me inside and reminds me I am alone. I don’t even have a partner, someone who whispers I love you at night and tells me that his love will take away the pain. At night I dream of soft baby skins and small clothings and little fingers that squeeze my own. I wake up with a pain like no other. I can’t even describe it because it’s so hard and strong of an emotion that it bears no name. Help me get through this, please help me, please….
Pase la noche pensando en ti…..
I reached over and you were not there. I wanted to feel your warmth.
I searched for your hand to hold. I could not find your fingers to interlock with.
I looked for your face in the dark. The absence of a beautiful man is what I was met with.
My mind craves you.
My body desires you.
My heart wants you.
What is a boyfriend? Today I was reminded that I never use that word anymore. I’m older and I would like to think wiser but I never use that word anymore. Society has changed and thus has made us more surrounded by walls despite wanting that thing called love. We seek the warmth of another’s skin, the smile that turns into a kiss for our face; we seek the hand which fingers interlock with ours. We stand in the shower and as the glass fogs we draw our initials in a heart hoping to seal in the possibility of a relationship. We watch movies where the end is a home full of love and the endless possibilities of an amazing family.
What reality does not show is that perhaps you are older and can no longer bare any child to any man. It does not show that maybe you’ll find a man who will accept you because all he wants is your love and he isn’t interested in children. It doesn’t show that maybe he has children and now he wants to share that life with you. The happily ever after doesn’t show you that perhaps you both live in a great apartment instead of a house and that it’s perfect for you two and maybe a dog. So many different happily ever afters but where is yours. Where is my happily ever after?