I need to vent and maybe the world will embrace my pain and help me heal. I never reach out instead I internalize everything. Perhaps this will teach me to talk…
I need to vent and maybe the world will embrace my pain and help me heal. I never reach out instead I internalize everything. Perhaps this will teach me to talk…
I close my eyes and I can feel his fingers pressing on my face and pulling me up from my knees to his face. I can feel the pressure of his left hand on my arm asserting his authority over me. Only he can. He is the only one that controls my mind, my heart, my body and my soul.
I close my eyes and he is here with me. The time between our play dates are long and far in between and so my mind can only create these fantasies. For now my mind is escaping into this realm.
I close my eyes and he is kissing me. Pulling me and enveloping me with his own skin. The sweat and perspiration from his skin rubs on mine and it infuses in my own skin. I welcome it because it’s a part of him and all I want is him on me in any way.
I close my eyes and I can smell him. His natural manly scent that is like an aphrodisiac for me. When he is near all my sense are on fire. His scent is so natural and so him. I know when he is near. My body is programmed like a dog to smell his presence.
I close my eyes and he is undressing me with his teeth. Animalistic in his bedroom ways. The savage beast within him that only I can tame. He is in control but my body and pleasures tame his soul and feed his fire all at the same time.
I close my eyes and I’m on my knees again. His finger has instructed me to get down in front of him and has penetrated my lips. He has warmed my tongue up with his fingers. His fingers have been shoved down my throat and I have knelt there and taken it.
I close my eyes and his cock is demanding spit from my lips, I provide it. My lips commence an assault on his monster and I give in to the pleasure that bursts within me. I live for giving him pleasure. It is what defines me.
I close my eyes and his cock is sliding slowly inside me. His head leans back a bit and then comes forward so that our eyes interlock. I can’t help but try and hold my breath and moan at the same time from the intense pleasure as he enters me. I’m in heavenly bliss and I don’t want him to stop.
I close my eyes and air in the room is dense. Our breathing is slowing down and the euphoria dissipating. Our foreheads are touching because the mental connection still remains; the only thing that matters. His lips come up to my forehead and I close my eyes…
My nails scrape against the skin slowly as my fingers wrap around it’s thickness. I slide my fingers up and grip it tightly and I then slide them back down. The skin is dry and I look up for a moment before I dart my tongue out on it making it slippery and smooth. That feeling of desire grows within me because i know the sexual desire in you has now grown. The wetness has made this ten times more intense. My fingers slide up and down smoothly now. My tongue licks the milk that comes out of the small eye. I twirl the tongue round and round the head until the small gasp escapes your lips. I suck the head gently and slowly suck the rest of the shaft inside my mouth. Slowly I glide my lips up and down while pausing at the head momentarily and sucking it like a pacifier. I pick up my speed and start again the gliding motion up and down the shaft. I look up again to show you that your cock is mine. I live for it, breath for it, I was made for bringing it unadulterated pleasure. Your hand grabs my hair and pulls it off to the left side, just enough to put your cock on the inside of my cheek . With your right hand you slap my outer cheek a few times at the head that now is jutting at the inside of my right face. It’s your reminder that I’m yours. You can do whatever you please and your brute show of force I welcome.
01/14/18 0500hrsSometimes you wake up and you realize it’s just you. You are all you have and it’s ok. It’s ok because you know you are going to make it and no one is going to tell you otherwise. Life throws so many curve balls at you and the only thing you can do is keep trying to get it out of the ballpark. Today is like any other day and I know I just have to embrace it. The last two weeks I’ve cleansed my mind, thoughts and heart of all negative things. It’s hard to just let go and move forward but even this idea of holding on to a lost hope of a miracle baby was holding me back. I’m letting go because I don’t want anything holding me back.Every day i see and feel the changes in my body and I don’t know to do and I don’t know how to talk about it and I don’t know who to turn to. One minute I’m burning up and the next I’m freezing. My menstrual cycle is highly irregular and doesn’t even show up sometimes. Yes I’m still young for what I’m going through but I believe I’m pre-menopausal. Unfortunately it’s something that runs in my family, the early onset of menopause. Life is cruel but it’s a reality I need to accept. I think though I’m really coming to terms with it. It’s insane how a month or two can make you see things differently. I started running again and it helps a lot. It’s a real escape to just hit the pavement and go. It’s a time when my mind is most free and liberated. I can let go of my pain and anger and feel truly at peace.What still bothers me is waking up and not having someone to talk to. Sure I have my girlfriends I can reach out to but all of them have kids. They can’t even begin to understand me. They are also either married or with someone so I don’t call because i don’t want to be that friend that just calls to cry and complain. To be honest they say things sometimes that are so inappropriate and just wrong because they simply do not understand. At our gatherings I’ve even stopped talking as much as I used to but I don’t think anyone has even noticed. I’m tired of the senseless comments. I lay in bed terrified at meeting up with my friends tomorrow and excited at a girls night out but I can’t hide either. I welcome the one or two that truly know to not speak out of terms and I walk away from the idiotic and hurtful comments. I know they mean well but why friends don’t stop and actually look up WHAT NOT TO SAY to their infertile friend is beyond me. Plus I’ve always been good at just keeping things to myself and smiling at the world. It’s what I do best. I smile, laugh and keep it all bottled in. I think I came to a realization that Infertility was either going to define me or I was simply going to kick it in the ass and keep moving. I of course chose the latter. I decided to look at it and simply smile because I couldn’t change anything. Why live with a pain that you have no control over? Don’t get me wrong, I still feel that God played me dirty in this thing called life but i have simply decided that it wasn’t going to be something that defines who I am as a person. Do I pray for miracles? Yes of course! I don’t think you truly ever stop hoping. It’s about finding a balance. It’s about not letting that hope be 95% of your day; maybe just 15 lol! I can wake up and know I won’t be a mom and it’s not as overwhelming as it was. Accepting it was my first step and that was the hardest part. Once I realized I had to let go of these dreams that wouldn’t come to fruition then the rest of my feelings followed suit. I feel I’m in a good place right now. Running has become my go to for all worries and stress dumps. I even started exercising a bit at home so I can get my body back in shape. If I can’t get fat and swollen and have back pains due to pregnancy then I might as well try to lose this excess weight, work towards looking fabulous physically and give fitness a real try by embracing my infertility. I know I have a long way to go in terms of true acceptance but I have started and for me that is a real breakthrough. I reached a point where I couldn’t just lay in bed crying every morning or every night. I also stopped imagining that men will be ok with my infertility so I stay away from men who have no kids. I don’t ever want a man to hold against me that I did not give him children. It’s so much that infertile women have to go through. The one man who has been a constant in my life this past year but not by any conventional means is not a father but is free to walk away when he sees fit. I dread that day and know it will be another grand loss for me but at least I am as mentally prepared as I can be. After our initial encounter I was forthcoming with him about my infertility and asked him to never speak of it. He has respected that and though I care for him deeply I know the time will come when he will meet a woman who can give him a home and a family and he will no longer be in my life. It pains me but not as much as it would pain me if he later would regret not being a father because he stuck with me. It’s another reality I live with and am working through mentally. Infertility sucks all around. There is no way to put it all in one neat package and even attempt to put a bow on. It’s a harsh reality that so many of us deal with. We can only do our best with the pain we have been dealt.
WRITTEN NOVEMBER 2017
For the past few weeks I haven’t been able to get out of bed to go running. Running has been my therapy. I’ve been struggling to get motivated or even be motivated. I’m just struggling. I don’t have a real partner that I can go to and have him hold me when I feel alone and in despair. My mom is here visiting but spends more time with the grandkids. My own sister, though she always listens is dealing with her own issues of infertility. I don’t have anyone to turn to. I feel very alone. Lost and in despair from not knowing what to do or where to turn to.
I don’t know why I’m even writing. I don’t want to hear that ‘stress is getting in the way’ or ‘if it’s meant to be it will happen’ or that ‘god has a plan for me’ or ‘take my kids’ or ‘kids are hard’ or whatever other nonsense people think is ok to say. Adopt or take on a hobby or some other bullshit is what people want to say because they don’t know. Baby shower invitations sit on my counter, my fridge is covered with thank you notes from moms who send pics of their kids and countless holiday cards with pictures of babies, kids and families. I’m not mad at them for I am not an envious and evil person but I want to be them. Is that wrong? To want what someone else has? I want to send out holiday cards with my babies, I want to invite people to my baby shower. I want to have a husband that leans his head into my pregnant stomach. I want swollen feet. I want to be woken in the middle of the night from a crying baby. Instead I’m mentally preparing myself to learn to accept that I will die alone and childless; I won’t become a mother. I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to accept. I’m struggling.
I don’t know why I can’t even sustain a relationship with a man. After my divorce some 6 years back I changed as a woman. I became more nurturing and loving. With my ex husband I was too rigid, calculated and sometimes manipulative. I have a great career. At home I’m what you can consider an ideal woman, I cook and clean and love having sex. Perhaps I scare men off. Perhaps I’m too aggressive and I swear I try my best not to be. Perhaps love simply isn’t in the cards for me. I have a man in my life but he will never be truly mine. He is young and the possibility of fatherhood is still present. I swear though i would stay with him even if he fathered elsewhere; if it was something he would want but I’m deviating. I can’t even really consider him mine since I never really spend time with him at all. I’ve been seeing him for about 8 months and our relationship is not a conventional one. It’s makes me sad to think I can’t be loved. How can i even consider asking someone like that anything in regards to my situation, like adoption? I’ve thought of adoption but if adoption is hard for a married couple imagine what it’s like for a single woman?
I bought my house almost 5 years ago and it was such an amazing milestone for me because I did it all on my own. The house was supposed to represent the beginning of a new life with someone I had met. I thought that in this home I would get a real marriage and a family with my white picket fence and a dog. That man left 1 week after I closed on my house and I’ve never spoken to him ever again. He went back to his ex-wife and I truly hope he is happy wherever he is. I wish no ill will towards anyone. In the end I busted my ass in this house and I loved it until recently I felt that this house was a burden weighing down on what my dreams were supposed to be. It’s time to let it go. My house will be on the market as early as this upcoming year. It’s time for me to accept that I’m alone and that I don’t need a 3 bedroom house with all this space just for me. It’s a big step but it’s an important one to begin my healing.
Will I ever understand why this has happened to me? I don’t know. Going through all those medical procedures and experiencing so many ups and downs definitely did a number on me and broke me down in ways I never imagined. Hiding it from people at work, which i still do but was much harder when i was injecting myself and taking a million vitamins and trying to stay stress free was even harder. Every 2 week wait that I experienced was horrible because it ended with a negative pregnancy.
That hope of a maybe and the possibility of one day cradling your newborn is so strong it makes even an atheist or agnostic believe. In the end after 9 or 10 failed procedures (I lost count) I gave up because of lack of funds and because my partner at the time just wasn’t there emotionally, financially or even physically. He simply did not care. He ended up leaving about 8 months after I stopped all the procedures and honestly it was for the best. I think he resented me for putting him through all the procedures though in the beginning he wanted it as much as I did. Also my asking that he be more supportive from all angles wasn’t something he knew how to do. He had mentally checked out somewhere after the 3rd or 4th procedure. I don’t hold anything against him but maybe if he would have shown more love I would have been pregnant. Maybe not but I can’t sit here and think about that.
I wish i could explain to you in so many words how hard it has been for me these past months without you. I’ve dreamed, fantasized and wondered so many different things. Being away from you though and that pain has been very real. I’ll confess I’ve even shed a tear or two because of it.
It’s crazy because you have got to be the most absent and distant person i have dealt with in my entire life but when you speak, you speak volumes. A few words and it’s enough to make me fall to my knees and hold on desperately to this insane fantasy in my head.
I know im Crazy and that these fantasies are mine alone but you are just perfect in my eyes. You can’t even begin to imagine all the insane things that pass through my mind. The many thoughts of the unknown that i allow my mind to think about, knowing damn well I’m being foolish.
I miss you my King. Nobody touches my heart and soul the way you have. No one ignites the flames in my eyes the way you have. Nobody penetrates the core of my very existence the way you have. It’s you, it’s always you……….
It’s that single thread of hope that we hold on to… it makes us feel a despair quite like no other. I ask God, why me? I did everything right in life. Never intentionally set out to hurt anyone. If I did hurt someone I sought them out and made peace with forgiveness. Yet here I am a woman who can’t conceive. No children to run around my legs. No laughter around me. Just an eerie silence that destroys me inside and reminds me I am alone. I don’t even have a partner, someone who whispers I love you at night and tells me that his love will take away the pain. At night I dream of soft baby skins and small clothings and little fingers that squeeze my own. I wake up with a pain like no other. I can’t even describe it because it’s so hard and strong of an emotion that it bears no name. Help me get through this, please help me, please….
Pase la noche pensando en ti…..
I reached over and you were not there. I wanted to feel your warmth.
I searched for your hand to hold. I could not find your fingers to interlock with.
I looked for your face in the dark. The absence of a beautiful man is what I was met with.
My mind craves you.
My body desires you.
My heart wants you.
What is a boyfriend? Today I was reminded that I never use that word anymore. I’m older and I would like to think wiser but I never use that word anymore. Society has changed and thus has made us more surrounded by walls despite wanting that thing called love. We seek the warmth of another’s skin, the smile that turns into a kiss for our face; we seek the hand which fingers interlock with ours. We stand in the shower and as the glass fogs we draw our initials in a heart hoping to seal in the possibility of a relationship. We watch movies where the end is a home full of love and the endless possibilities of an amazing family.
What reality does not show is that perhaps you are older and can no longer bare any child to any man. It does not show that maybe you’ll find a man who will accept you because all he wants is your love and he isn’t interested in children. It doesn’t show that maybe he has children and now he wants to share that life with you. The happily ever after doesn’t show you that perhaps you both live in a great apartment instead of a house and that it’s perfect for you two and maybe a dog. So many different happily ever afters but where is yours. Where is my happily ever after?
I open the door for him and he’s standing there looking oh so succulent. My hand is raised on the door and I’m standing in ‘come fuck me heels’. He stares up and down at me and I’m excited for what’s to come. He walks through the door and grabs my left hand and just pulls me as he tells me to shut the door behind me. I push the door closed as he leads me and demands me to sit on the couch. I do as I’m told. I sit down but I’m impatient, I want to eat him, I want to lick him, I want to devour him; I’ve missed him. Looking at him now I realize just how much. He’s been on my mind constantly. The anticipation inside of me of what’s to come is eating at me, tearing away at my soul. I sit on the couch and I’m fidgeting. He opens up my legs and squats down… ugh… he doesn’t even know where to begin. He’s just looking at me and he seems to be taking it all in.
He starts to bite my thighs. He loves to bite, it’s like his favorite pastime with my body parts. He’s biting and nibbling everywhere and I’m getting so turned on. His bites are always the right amount of pleasure and pain. The perfect balance of wanting to be hurt but seeking the pleasure that pushes you over the edge. I push him and I tell him ‘no’ I’ve waited too long for this, I’ve waited too long for you; I want to play. Hmph, he smirks at me and just stares into my eyes. I try to bend down and get at his belt while he’s still trying and very much succeeding in biting me. I grab his belt, I open the belt, I open the first button, I get the second button and then I get the third button of his jeans. Now he stands up, I reach in and I can’t even breathe……., everything stands still; god I’ve missed this cock. I pull it out and I look at it, just the head, I just want to lick it. I lick it slowly and he gasps, ‘fuck’ he says. He’s missed me as well. I realize at this point that he’s not wearing any underwear, fucking awesome. I look up at him at he sees that I realize that he’s gone commando but I love it, easy access and all.
I continue to lick the head. I bite it softly, lick the side, lick both sides. Jesus I’ve missed him so much. I continue to lick the underside. God he smells so fucking good. His smell is intoxicating. There’s something about it that drives me to the edge. I continue to naw softly while I’m licking, sucking then finally just taking him in my mouth and sliding down….. f u c k…… I’m in such a rush my mouth is dry and I don’t care because I just want him in there. He’s grabbing my head and pushing it down aaaah, damn I’m gagging. My gag reflex is killing me today but he doesn’t realize or doesn’t care because he keeps pushing my head down and I’m not stopping him. I want him in my mouth. I come back up for air but I can see his patience is just at the edge with me, he wants so much more.
He opens up my legs and brings his teeth to my underwear. He looks up at me and then stands up again. He decides otherwise and slides my underwear down in a rush that they almost rip. I’m panting like a dog in heat waiting for him to take me. He licks his hands to moisten my entrance and what he finds is a wet pussy soaked in anticipation of his arrival. He looks at me and tells me I’m so fucking wet. I grab his neck to pull him down slowly and when our foreheads connect I tell him that my pussy only gets wet for him. He is the reason for my excitement. He positions his cock at the entrance of my pussy and slides it in. God the euphoric feeling of just that moment is enough to almost send me over the fucking edge but all I can do is gasp and grunt all at the same time. I don’t tell him how close I am. He can’t know what he does to me. I can’t stroke his fucking ego anymore than it already is.
I know I’m about to come. He’s sliding in and out with such precision and such mastery I feel like I’m in the edge of a precipice I may never come back from. My body explodes into small micro orgasms. It’s like an epileptic attack on my small frame but I hold on to him because I don’t want him to stop and I don’t want him to know how easily he can make me orgasm. Orgasms are so difficult for me but it’s like he can pull them out of me as if I were a wind up toy. He knows what to do and how to do it and how much time is needed to achieve that moment of chasing an ultimate sexual high.
He’s still stroking me and I’m so fucking wet. I think he feels it and he gets up and sits down on the couch. He has me straddle him with my back facing his chest but in this position it’s very painful. He achieves a depth that’s downright scary and painful, yet still I don’t dare stop him. He is the artist and i am just his canvass of sexual making. I adjust myself and continue to ride him but his patience is short so he pulls me so my back is on his chest. Now I can fuck him with ease. The feeling is so fucking good and I want to ride him like this but he continues to seek more. He grabs both my breast which are currently still covered with my bra. I remove the straps while he unhooks the back. He’s pushing my body down on to his dick by pressuring my body down via my breasts. Fuck I’m about to come again. I feel it; the spasms forming little by little inside deep within my core. I want to speed up and I want to slow down at the same time. My body is about to explode so I choose the latter and slow down. I don’t want him to know yet again how he affects me. It’s how he is able to hit the fucking spot and bring on so many orgasms in me. I feel my body exploding within and I ride out the orgasm just as he decides to stand up and switch it up again.
He stands up and goes to the bed, I’m the one that’s two orgasms up but he’s the one experiencing the weakness. Now my ego is stroked. He lays down and I straddle him but this time facing him. I try to take off my heels but he grabs my hand and looks at me and says ‘leave them on’. I’m high. My intentions have reached their goal and for once I feel I’ve achieved an upper hand in this duel. He pushes my hand away from my heels with force because in the end it is he who is in charge and I should know better; but I take my small victories. I bend down and bite his lower lip as our eyes connect and our foreheads touch once more. I position myself above his dick and slide my pussy down. My eyes roll back and my head follows suit. His hand comes up to my neck and my breathing becomes restricted. This is my reminder that I will never be in charge in this bedroom. I’m in fucking heaven and I’m not sure I want to come back to earth. He positions himself so his grip is strong but not overpowering as I continue to ride him. I’m rocking back and forth, sliding up and down. I start to rock again and his grip around my neck becomes tighter. I’m getting lost in an abyss of pure unadulterated pleasure. My breathing is shallow and my pussy deceives me. Just when I think I can hold off, my orgasm is creeping up with a brute force. I can hear his growls and groans and I know he’s about to explode. He releases my throat and the air expelled from my lungs is a direct burst to my impending orgasm. He hears me beginning to explode and I scream out. His body begins to shake and it’s like it’s shattered into another universe where there are no sublimations and nothing is suppressed.
There’s a sensation and a power that takes over my body when I first pull it out and grasp it in my hand. The gasp and exhale that happen all at once just thinking about how I’m going to attack it, is loud. My tongue comes out instinctively and licks the head. I jump down to the base because I can smell the sperm building up. I bite the base and lick all around it. I suck on that spot right between the base and where the balls connect. I suck it, nibble it and try to eat it all together. I want to consume it but I can’t. I lick the underside all the way up back to the head. It’s the arousal in me that’s been set too high and my way also of preparing my soon descent. I pop the head in my mouth and pop it back out with force and suction. I repeat it again because the sound is something I like, I want to hear it again. I repeat it for the third time. On the fourth time I place the head against the inside of my cheek and smack it with my hand; not once but twice. I look up at your face and you’re grinding your teeth. I slide down your entire shaft and bring it to the back of my throat. I slide back up, I need more lubrication from my mouth. I bring it back down while letting the saliva drip everywhere. My hands are on your thighs and I squeeze them. I can barely grip them because your quads are a mass of pure muscle. I continue to slide up and down your shaft with my mouth. Every time it hits the back of my throat you grab my head and keep it there for a second or two more. I look up again and my eyes start to tear. I don’t care because I want more of you inside my mouth. I continue to slide my mouth up and down while adding extra suction on my cheeks. Now my tongue and the inside of my cheeks are squeezing your dick and the momentum is building. I can smell your milk coming up the shaft. Your hand comes to my face and forces me to look up. You tell me not to stop and I know you’re about to bust. I slow down and only suck the head gently. I want to play and don’t want you coming yet. You look into my eyes pleading. I stop and ask you, what do you want. The only word that comes out of your mouth is please. I smile and attack like a vulture eating its prey. I suck it hard and fast. My hand rolls through your balls like a skilled chef kneading its dough with just enough pressure. You look down at me one last time before your head dips back and the only groan in the room is you saying my name as your cum makes it into my mouth and all the way down my throat. Drop after drop I milk you clean until your knees can no longer contain the shaking of your legs and entire body…….