Most days I go through the motions and don’t think about the fact that I will never have a child. I try not to dwell on it or even think about it. But other days it’s like it’s slapping me in the face and cruelly reminding me of my downfall. It’s been a hard long road for me and I know it will get worse before it gets better but I’m fighting through it.
The other night I broke down mentally. I think about the men in my life and how I know I could never truly be with them in more than a physical capacity and it’s simply because I can’t give them a family. These men are more than happy to just provide sex with no emotional attachment. I know my worth as a person and as a woman but that doesn’t mean shit. Most men if not all want a woman who will give them children, build a family that will continue their name and legacy. I cannot give a man that.
I feel broken inside. I feel incomplete as a woman. I feel lost and displaced because even though it does not define me in a certain way I feel it does. All I have to offer is amazing sex. That’s what I’m good at. Sex is why men seek me. Sex is what I have to offer.
People don’t understand but sex is what gives me the power to get past it all. The power I feel in sexual relationships is what gets me through the day and looking forward to tomorrow or the next conquest. Inside I’m like a man putting notches on my belt for every new man; so many that I’ve lost count. It’s the game I play to face my days.