WRITTEN NOVEMBER 2017

I’m struggling….

For the past few weeks I haven’t been able to get out of bed to go running. Running has been my therapy. I’ve been struggling to get motivated or even be motivated. I’m just struggling. I don’t have a real partner that I can go to and have him hold me when I feel alone and in despair. My mom is here visiting but spends more time with the grandkids. My own sister, though she always listens is dealing with her own issues of infertility. I don’t have anyone to turn to. I feel very alone. Lost and in despair from not knowing what to do or where to turn to.

I don’t know why I’m even writing. I don’t want to hear that ‘stress is getting in the way’ or ‘if it’s meant to be it will happen’ or that ‘god has a plan for me’ or ‘take my kids’ or ‘kids are hard’ or whatever other nonsense people think is ok to say. Adopt or take on a hobby or some other bullshit is what people want to say because they don’t know. Baby shower invitations sit on my counter, my fridge is covered with thank you notes from moms who send pics of their kids and countless holiday cards with pictures of babies, kids and families. I’m not mad at them for I am not an envious and evil person but I want to be them. Is that wrong? To want what someone else has? I want to send out holiday cards with my babies, I want to invite people to my baby shower. I want to have a husband that leans his head into my pregnant stomach. I want swollen feet. I want to be woken in the middle of the night from a crying baby. Instead I’m mentally preparing myself to learn to accept that I will die alone and childless; I won’t become a mother. I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to accept. I’m struggling.

I don’t know why I can’t even sustain a relationship with a man. After my divorce some 6 years back I changed as a woman. I became more nurturing and loving. With my ex husband I was too rigid, calculated and sometimes manipulative. I have a great career. At home I’m what you can consider an ideal woman, I cook and clean and love having sex. Perhaps I scare men off. Perhaps I’m too aggressive and I swear I try my best not to be. Perhaps love simply isn’t in the cards for me. I have a man in my life but he will never be truly mine. He is young and the possibility of fatherhood is still present. I swear though i would stay with him even if he fathered elsewhere; if it was something he would want but I’m deviating. I can’t even really consider him mine since I never really spend time with him at all. I’ve been seeing him for about 8 months and our relationship is not a conventional one. It’s makes me sad to think I can’t be loved. How can i even consider asking someone like that anything in regards to my situation, like adoption? I’ve thought of adoption but if adoption is hard for a married couple imagine what it’s like for a single woman?

I bought my house almost 5 years ago and it was such an amazing milestone for me because I did it all on my own. The house was supposed to represent the beginning of a new life with someone I had met. I thought that in this home I would get a real marriage and a family with my white picket fence and a dog. That man left 1 week after I closed on my house and I’ve never spoken to him ever again. He went back to his ex-wife and I truly hope he is happy wherever he is. I wish no ill will towards anyone. In the end I busted my ass in this house and I loved it until recently I felt that this house was a burden weighing down on what my dreams were supposed to be. It’s time to let it go. My house will be on the market as early as this upcoming year. It’s time for me to accept that I’m alone and that I don’t need a 3 bedroom house with all this space just for me. It’s a big step but it’s an important one to begin my healing.

Will I ever understand why this has happened to me? I don’t know. Going through all those medical procedures and experiencing so many ups and downs definitely did a number on me and broke me down in ways I never imagined. Hiding it from people at work, which i still do but was much harder when i was injecting myself and taking a million vitamins and trying to stay stress free was even harder. Every 2 week wait that I experienced was horrible because it ended with a negative pregnancy.

That hope of a maybe and the possibility of one day cradling your newborn is so strong it makes even an atheist or agnostic believe. In the end after 9 or 10 failed procedures (I lost count) I gave up because of lack of funds and because my partner at the time just wasn’t there emotionally, financially or even physically. He simply did not care. He ended up leaving about 8 months after I stopped all the procedures and honestly it was for the best. I think he resented me for putting him through all the procedures though in the beginning he wanted it as much as I did. Also my asking that he be more supportive from all angles wasn’t something he knew how to do. He had mentally checked out somewhere after the 3rd or 4th procedure. I don’t hold anything against him but maybe if he would have shown more love I would have been pregnant. Maybe not but I can’t sit here and think about that.