Why I ask. I will never understand why me. I ask myself this question EVERY SINGLE DAY. I feel like I’ve been wronged. I don’t wish this upon any soul because at the end of the day I know my heart is pure. I would not want anyone to suffer as I have or to suffer as I continue to. My pain is real and it’s something that will never go away. I think it’s more about finding the balance of acceptance. Last night I cried. I find comfort in releasing the pain and anguish within. I cried because soon I’ll be out of this house that was supposed to become my home and never did. I cried because despite having Mr Crossfit in my life at any given moment he will walk because I can’t bear him children. I cried because every night I lay alone with just my thoughts and they remind me of the life that has been laid before me. Who grows up thinking that they won’t become a mother, no one. Perhaps along the way you decide you don’t want to but it’s a decision YOU make and not one that’s made for you. You always think you have time. You never think it will happen to you. I don’t ever remember anyone talking about being infertile in my family. I want to wake up and not feel this pain. I want to go to sleep happy in the arms of a man that accepts me as I am. I’ve come a long way but I still am facing a long road ahead. I know I will come out stronger because of it but I’m not fond of the journey.
I went on a run today and usually it helps immensely. Running has been my self prescribed therapy for this past year and some months. Today it didn’t work. I got home and after running over 13 miles all I felt was defeated. I didn’t understand and I still don’t. To make matters worse I’m trying to catch up on my tv shows and the one I start with has a couple going to a fertility clinic trying to get pregnant. Like seriously god?!? My cousin has just announced that him and his wife are expecting and people all over my feed on the internet are getting pregnant. I’m very happy for everyone but why is the universe and the gods messing with me? I’ve been doing so good. I’ve been accepting my fate. The truth is that by getting closer to Crossfit, I’m on edge. It’s only a matter of time before he walks and that scares me much more than my infertility. See if he accepts me then I’ll have the man of my dreams at my side accepting and loving me. If he walks then I lose him and it will be because of my infertility. You don’t want to be defined by infertility, but how are you not?