What is a boyfriend? Today I was reminded that I never use that word anymore. I’m older and I would like to think wiser but I never use that word anymore. Society has changed and thus has made us more surrounded by walls despite wanting that thing called love. We seek the warmth of another’s skin, the smile that turns into a kiss for our face; we seek the hand which fingers interlock with ours. We stand in the shower and as the glass fogs we draw our initials in a heart hoping to seal in the possibility of a relationship. We watch movies where the end is a home full of love and the endless possibilities of an amazing family.
What reality does not show is that perhaps you are older and can no longer bare any child to any man. It does not show that maybe you’ll find a man who will accept you because all he wants is your love and he isn’t interested in children. It doesn’t show that maybe he has children and now he wants to share that life with you. The happily ever after doesn’t show you that perhaps you both live in a great apartment instead of a house and that it’s perfect for you two and maybe a dog. So many different happily ever afters but where is yours. Where is my happily ever after?
There’s a sensation and a power that takes over my body when I first pull it out and grasp it in my hand. The gasp and exhale that happen all at once just thinking about how I’m going to attack it, is loud. My tongue comes out instinctively and licks the head. I jump down to the base because I can smell the sperm building up. I bite the base and lick all around it. I suck on that spot right between the base and where the balls connect. I suck it, nibble it and try to eat it all together. I want to consume it but I can’t. I lick the underside all the way up back to the head. It’s the arousal in me that’s been set too high and my way also of preparing my soon descent. I pop the head in my mouth and pop it back out with force and suction. I repeat it again because the sound is something I like, I want to hear it again. I repeat it for the third time. On the fourth time I place the head against the inside of my cheek and smack it with my hand; not once but twice. I look up at your face and you’re grinding your teeth. I slide down your entire shaft and bring it to the back of my throat. I slide back up, I need more lubrication from my mouth. I bring it back down while letting the saliva drip everywhere. My hands are on your thighs and I squeeze them. I can barely grip them because your quads are a mass of pure muscle. I continue to slide up and down your shaft with my mouth. Every time it hits the back of my throat you grab my head and keep it there for a second or two more. I look up again and my eyes start to tear. I don’t care because I want more of you inside my mouth. I continue to slide my mouth up and down while adding extra suction on my cheeks. Now my tongue and the inside of my cheeks are squeezing your dick and the momentum is building. I can smell your milk coming up the shaft. Your hand comes to my face and forces me to look up. You tell me not to stop and I know you’re about to bust. I slow down and only suck the head gently. I want to play and don’t want you coming yet. You look into my eyes pleading. I stop and ask you, what do you want. The only word that comes out of your mouth is please. I smile and attack like a vulture eating its prey. I suck it hard and fast. My hand rolls through your balls like a skilled chef kneading its dough with just enough pressure. You look down at me one last time before your head dips back and the only groan in the room is you saying my name as your cum makes it into my mouth and all the way down my throat. Drop after drop I milk you clean until your knees can no longer contain the shaking of your legs and entire body…….
Today I realized that even as we grow, those around us do not. Age does not make us more intelligent or even more weary of how to treat others. It’s only after we hurt and deal with certain situations in our lives do we realize that we need to treat people with a certain kind of respect. We don’t do it for them, we do it because it makes us better human beings.
Last week I hooked up with a guy who I genuinely thought was ‘nice’. I’ve known of him for years but never really reached out to engage in conversation until last month. So we got together and I thought he was god sent!! Not sexually because to be honest I felt he lacked a bit of experience but as a person. I got to his place after work and he let me take a long shower, he washed all my clothes and in the morning he even took me to breakfast. Fuck I thought, I could work with this! I could definitely help him improve sexually and was willing to overlook that for being such a nice guy.
But boy was I wrong!!
My issue right now is why did I misjudge him. Am I so fucked up that the first guy who comes with ‘game’ is able to so easily deceive me? I know that my id still seeks to find companionship in some way or form. I know I would like to have a constant in my life that is more than just the sexual component but how did I misread him so much?
Since last week (despite my leaving for 3 days on a Caribbean getaway) I have not spent any time with him. Normally it’s not a big deal but we work the same hours and he is 5 minutes away from my job! I would think that he would seek me out at least for the sexual component.
I honestly think I’m out of touch with the world of men sometimes……
Most days I go through the motions and don’t think about the fact that I will never have a child. I try not to dwell on it or even think about it. But other days it’s like it’s slapping me in the face and cruelly reminding me of my downfall. It’s been a hard long road for me and I know it will get worse before it gets better but I’m fighting through it.
The other night I broke down mentally. I think about the men in my life and how I know I could never truly be with them in more than a physical capacity and it’s simply because I can’t give them a family. These men are more than happy to just provide sex with no emotional attachment. I know my worth as a person and as a woman but that doesn’t mean shit. Most men if not all want a woman who will give them children, build a family that will continue their name and legacy. I cannot give a man that.
I feel broken inside. I feel incomplete as a woman. I feel lost and displaced because even though it does not define me in a certain way I feel it does. All I have to offer is amazing sex. That’s what I’m good at. Sex is why men seek me. Sex is what I have to offer.
People don’t understand but sex is what gives me the power to get past it all. The power I feel in sexual relationships is what gets me through the day and looking forward to tomorrow or the next conquest. Inside I’m like a man putting notches on my belt for every new man; so many that I’ve lost count. It’s the game I play to face my days.
I wake up and there you are staring at me. I stare back for a minute or so and you get up on your knees. My pussy is sore from last nights fuck session and still filled with your orgasmic milky explosions. You pull my legs towards you and I’m scared of the pain my poor pussy is about to experience. I welcome the pain despite my fear and I yearn for it. You bring my legs around your waist and your head comes up to my breasts. You ask me if I’m going to be a good girl and take it. I nod my head up and down and bite my lower lip. You take your thumb and come up to my face and place it next to my mouth. Your eyes are ignited with fire; a fire that needs to be put out. You know my pussy is the only thing with the juices needed to calm the fire within you. As your thumb slides inside my mouth your dick proceeds to do the same inside my pussy.
My mouth opens wide from the breathlessness, the intense pain and pleasure mixed together as one. I’m in pain and I don’t care because I want it so bad. You pull back out and give me a devilish grin and with no recourse start pounding inside me. I’m falling into an abyss and my senses are so heightened. The pain is ever consuming but I want it, I welcome it. The pleasure is building inside and I know my orgasm is imminent. You come down and suck on my left nipple, it’s taking me over the edge but not quite. I moan loud and you slide out.
I look at you in disbelief and you give me that killer grin again. Your finger gives me that come here twitch and I get up and get on all fours. It’s my lips you want now on that gorgeous cock and I’m more than willing despite being denied my orgasm. I’m more than happy to play this game of delayed gratification. I slide my lips right over the head. It’s all wet from my juices and I realize how savoring my pussy is. I slide my lips all the way to the base and retreat again to the head. I can hear you moaning and cursing all at the same time. You attempt to grab my head and I grab your arms and push you off balance. You were not expecting that and I’m able to gain some control of your body as I push your torso down. Your hands come back up to my head but I push them down, pinning them at the sides. I know you can get loose but I’m ecstatic that you allow me to play.
My head is moving up and down and my sucked in cheeks are creating a friction I can only imagine you are loving. You push my left hand out of the way and grab the back of my head as you lift it up. You come up and kiss me feverishly and I swear I’m going to come from the assault your tongue gives my tongue. We are both on our knees at this point and with one quick swipe I am under you again with my legs wide open.
You whisper in my ear how you love to taste my own pussy on my lips. I smile and with no warning your dick is sliding in with force and no regard. You are pumping into me hard and fast and I can’t think, I can’t breathe and I can only feel and let go. Our eyes are locked and you can feel the pulsing in my vagina indicating I’m about to orgasm. It takes you over the edge and before I realize it, I’m so far gone. Your moans in my ear are the last thing I hear before I pass out from the ever intense shared orgasm.
There’s a peace that comes from within when you reach a place you’ve longed for. You might think I speak of some inner zen but the truth is, sexual release is what gives me this peace. Sexual release on a level I feel I can get with you, it’s a place where you and I have just touched the surface.
With you I can explore, dive in, play, create, allow and just be myself sexually. Sometimes you seek a person hoping to connect on a mental level but in a physical aspect and you never find it. Connecting with someone mentally when it comes to sex is a different level of sex in and of itself. I finally feel like I can reach new heights and orgasmic blisses with you. I’ve searched so long for someone to want to play and discover with me.
I don’t seek a friend, I don’t seek nuance or trivial conversations, I don’t care for daily routines; none of those things I care about or matter to me. But that sexual connection that we have to experiment, try and play is what I want; it’s what I need and yearn for. It’s this physical desire that touches you mentally but only for the sake of achieving the ultimate sexual high….
I wake up and I imagine you grabbing my throat from behind as your other hand guides my ass towards you. You slide your cock all the way into my pussy folds and tell me good morning. I’m not fully awake but I can feel my eyes rolling so far up my head from the sensation you bring about in my body. I can’t speak, my words are muffled by the pressure of your hand on my throats. My moan comes out like a grunt and I can barely breathe. You whisper in my ear that this pussy is yours and I can barely register anything because your fucking me with such intensity. It’s like my pussy is trying to get away and you are making sure it’s not. You pound hard and extract slow, then ram back in with such force. After only a few minutes your hand finds and circles my clit and I detonate inside with such compulsion. I scream that I’m coming and it’s enough to send you over the edge. In my ear I hear you telling me not to stop, to cum all over your dick and I do. Our juices blended together as your rhythm slows, create a masterful cream pie….
Don’t you miss my lips….? My taking you in to my mouth and sucking until my lips tire…? Going so deep all the way down my throat my breathing is obstructed….? Don’t you want and desire that…?
Close your eyes and imagine my lips devouring you and attempting to eat you and taste you all at the same time. I want to swallow you whole. I want the smell to permeate my nostrils so deep that when I sleep my only dreams are of you making me yours.
A few weeks can change a person so drastically. I experienced a heartbreaking ordeal in 2015-2016 which would forever change the woman I had become. I wanted love and a home with a white picket fence and maybe a dog with a big family but God looked down at me and laughed. I did everything right in life except maybe I was always too independent. I was always in charge but it was because deep down I wanted a man to see what an asset as a woman I was. It backfired on me. I got a career, a home, a car yet I live alone with no one but my shadow. Men don’t want me because I can’t give them children and I’m just not a ‘girl’. I’m too aggressive I’ve been told; intimidating to so many. It’s crazy how one day you feel you are doing everything right and when you look back you realize you did everything wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t have aspired for so much and then maybe I would have been more marketable for a man. The truth is that i no longer care. All I want today in life is to find men that will give me physical pleasure and be content with just that. #Loveless #FuckLove #MenWantWeakWomen #ImTooAggressive #FuckMen #IonlyNeedTemporaryWarmth #LoveIsOverRated