What is a boyfriend? Today I was reminded that I never use that word anymore. I’m older and I would like to think wiser but I never use that word anymore. Society has changed and thus has made us more surrounded by walls despite wanting that thing called love. We seek the warmth of another’s skin, the smile that turns into a kiss for our face; we seek the hand which fingers interlock with ours. We stand in the shower and as the glass fogs we draw our initials in a heart hoping to seal in the possibility of a relationship. We watch movies where the end is a home full of love and the endless possibilities of an amazing family.
What reality does not show is that perhaps you are older and can no longer bare any child to any man. It does not show that maybe you’ll find a man who will accept you because all he wants is your love and he isn’t interested in children. It doesn’t show that maybe he has children and now he wants to share that life with you. The happily ever after doesn’t show you that perhaps you both live in a great apartment instead of a house and that it’s perfect for you two and maybe a dog. So many different happily ever afters but where is yours. Where is my happily ever after?
Most days I go through the motions and don’t think about the fact that I will never have a child. I try not to dwell on it or even think about it. But other days it’s like it’s slapping me in the face and cruelly reminding me of my downfall. It’s been a hard long road for me and I know it will get worse before it gets better but I’m fighting through it.
The other night I broke down mentally. I think about the men in my life and how I know I could never truly be with them in more than a physical capacity and it’s simply because I can’t give them a family. These men are more than happy to just provide sex with no emotional attachment. I know my worth as a person and as a woman but that doesn’t mean shit. Most men if not all want a woman who will give them children, build a family that will continue their name and legacy. I cannot give a man that.
I feel broken inside. I feel incomplete as a woman. I feel lost and displaced because even though it does not define me in a certain way I feel it does. All I have to offer is amazing sex. That’s what I’m good at. Sex is why men seek me. Sex is what I have to offer.
People don’t understand but sex is what gives me the power to get past it all. The power I feel in sexual relationships is what gets me through the day and looking forward to tomorrow or the next conquest. Inside I’m like a man putting notches on my belt for every new man; so many that I’ve lost count. It’s the game I play to face my days.
There’s a peace that comes from within when you reach a place you’ve longed for. You might think I speak of some inner zen but the truth is, sexual release is what gives me this peace. Sexual release on a level I feel I can get with you, it’s a place where you and I have just touched the surface.
With you I can explore, dive in, play, create, allow and just be myself sexually. Sometimes you seek a person hoping to connect on a mental level but in a physical aspect and you never find it. Connecting with someone mentally when it comes to sex is a different level of sex in and of itself. I finally feel like I can reach new heights and orgasmic blisses with you. I’ve searched so long for someone to want to play and discover with me.
I don’t seek a friend, I don’t seek nuance or trivial conversations, I don’t care for daily routines; none of those things I care about or matter to me. But that sexual connection that we have to experiment, try and play is what I want; it’s what I need and yearn for. It’s this physical desire that touches you mentally but only for the sake of achieving the ultimate sexual high….
In life people cross your path to leave an imprint sometimes negative and other times positive. He was different and I now know why. Despite his situation I wish someone would love me and be committed to me the way he is with her. He’s caring for her because she is sick despite the fact that she doesn’t remember him. But that will never happen. I’m successful, own my home and car but I’m not worthy of anyone’s love. It’s just not in the cards for me. Successful women never get the good men. Truth is the losers and crazies always get the good men and then they tear them down to have them now hate women or simply treat women differently. C. O. could have been a great summer fling but now he is just another booty call. 4/22
I lay here at work because I’m stuck until tomorrow, long story but instead of working my regular afternoon shift I have to work in the day time.
I’m thinking of C.O. and Mr. Crossfit guy. C.O. was who I was looking forward to spending time with this summer. We hit it off and he appeared to be on the same page as me. The sex was fucking awesome and he was even loving and attentive. What I wasn’t expecting was his soap opera of a life ruining my plans with him. Long story short he is taken but his girlfriend had a medical issue where she doesn’t even know who he is to her. What the fuck you might say, yeah trust me I’m right there with you. He’s giving it 2 more years to see if she gets better and then he’s calling it quits. I can’t compete with that. That’s next level love which frankly I’ve given up on. I don’t want love. I want fun but with no responsibilities. Sex with no attachment and conversation with no depth. Yes I’m crazy, but crazy is my middle name.
Mr. Crossfit guy is just a bag of disaster. I like to engage and talk about nothing and everything sexual. You retain my attention that way. Mr. Crossfit doesn’t engage, doesn’t reply half the time to messages and is so absent he might as well not even exist. It’s quite childish but a child he is. Except in bed, in bed he is truly a king! His sex is fucking exquisite and so mind blowing. He def made my top three of all time and I almost considered giving him the number one spot but his character makes me want to keep him in spot 3 for now.
Just needed to vent. Going to try and sleep.
A few weeks can change a person so drastically. I experienced a heartbreaking ordeal in 2015-2016 which would forever change the woman I had become. I wanted love and a home with a white picket fence and maybe a dog with a big family but God looked down at me and laughed. I did everything right in life except maybe I was always too independent. I was always in charge but it was because deep down I wanted a man to see what an asset as a woman I was. It backfired on me. I got a career, a home, a car yet I live alone with no one but my shadow. Men don’t want me because I can’t give them children and I’m just not a ‘girl’. I’m too aggressive I’ve been told; intimidating to so many. It’s crazy how one day you feel you are doing everything right and when you look back you realize you did everything wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t have aspired for so much and then maybe I would have been more marketable for a man. The truth is that i no longer care. All I want today in life is to find men that will give me physical pleasure and be content with just that. #Loveless #FuckLove #MenWantWeakWomen #ImTooAggressive #FuckMen #IonlyNeedTemporaryWarmth #LoveIsOverRated