What a pain in my soul. I don’t know how I will surpass this pain but I know I will. The problem with love is that if it is not reciprocated, was it ever real? I gave him my mind like I had never given it before. Our sexual connection was by far the best in my entire life. I never lied to him and I was always forward. My problem was making myself available to him at all times while he made himself totally unavailable to me all the time. Countless cancelled dates that left me empty and feeling like I wasn’t worth it. I’m not sure why I held on and at the same time I know exactly why I did. Perhaps the future will bring unexpected things, perhaps it won’t. For now he is still a man younger than me by a decade who has his entire life before him. I am very past that stage in my life and can’t even give him children. Eventually he would have left. I left because I had to and because I had to give life & the possibility of love a chance.
Why I ask. I will never understand why me. I ask myself this question EVERY SINGLE DAY. I feel like I’ve been wronged. I don’t wish this upon any soul because at the end of the day I know my heart is pure. I would not want anyone to suffer as I have or to suffer as I continue to. My pain is real and it’s something that will never go away. I think it’s more about finding the balance of acceptance. Last night I cried. I find comfort in releasing the pain and anguish within. I cried because soon I’ll be out of this house that was supposed to become my home and never did. I cried because despite having Mr Crossfit in my life at any given moment he will walk because I can’t bear him children. I cried because every night I lay alone with just my thoughts and they remind me of the life that has been laid before me. Who grows up thinking that they won’t become a mother, no one. Perhaps along the way you decide you don’t want to but it’s a decision YOU make and not one that’s made for you. You always think you have time. You never think it will happen to you. I don’t ever remember anyone talking about being infertile in my family. I want to wake up and not feel this pain. I want to go to sleep happy in the arms of a man that accepts me as I am. I’ve come a long way but I still am facing a long road ahead. I know I will come out stronger because of it but I’m not fond of the journey.
I went on a run today and usually it helps immensely. Running has been my self prescribed therapy for this past year and some months. Today it didn’t work. I got home and after running over 13 miles all I felt was defeated. I didn’t understand and I still don’t. To make matters worse I’m trying to catch up on my tv shows and the one I start with has a couple going to a fertility clinic trying to get pregnant. Like seriously god?!? My cousin has just announced that him and his wife are expecting and people all over my feed on the internet are getting pregnant. I’m very happy for everyone but why is the universe and the gods messing with me? I’ve been doing so good. I’ve been accepting my fate. The truth is that by getting closer to Crossfit, I’m on edge. It’s only a matter of time before he walks and that scares me much more than my infertility. See if he accepts me then I’ll have the man of my dreams at my side accepting and loving me. If he walks then I lose him and it will be because of my infertility. You don’t want to be defined by infertility, but how are you not?
I wake up in the middle of the night and I can’t sleep. We live together in a home arranged and provided by the institution we work for. It’s a school for children from troubled homes. I’m the school counselor/psychologist and he is the P.E. teacher. I get up and go to the shared kitchen for some water. I feel the tension in my heart from having to leave my room in not so decent clothing. I know he’s a heavy sleeper so I should be fine walking to the kitchen quietly. His room is not far from mine and as I open my door to my bedroom I listen intently to make sure he’s sleeping. I don’t hear anything so I open my door wider and walk to the kitchen. No more than 5 seconds later his door swings open and I stop walking as I’m making my way to the kitchen. We just stare at each other and both mumble something until I’m able to get out that I’m getting water. His answer is similar to mine and he is apparently also getting water.
We were once lovers some many years ago. He went about his life, got married and had a kid. I always knew he would. I had been living on campus for a few years but I had been alone in this small house the school had provided for me. I thought of him all the time and hoped he was happy wherever he was. I had loved him unconditionally back then but I knew eventually he would find someone to marry that could bear him children. I had been honest from the beginning and he knew I could never be that person for him. I knew in my heart though no one would love him and understand him as I did. Fast forward a few years and here we were working at the same school. I wanted to believe it was fate and that the stars had aligned to put him in my path once again.
I had been devastated when he simply stopped talking to me and went on with his life. Strangely enough back then we worked for the same company also but rarely saw each other because we worked in different divisions. The guys who worked in his division always came down to my floor and visited often. They were a nice bunch, very friendly and outgoing. On many occasions my female co-workers and I joined them at the bar after work for drinks. Most of the men were married already back then with kids so we were all just friends. Even back then all I wanted was to be in his arms and please him as best I could. He rarely visited my floor. When he did the women would swoon over him like they were all dogs and he was their next snack. I felt like a spoiled girl because he always came to speak only to me. I was so in love with him. Never admitted to how much because I didn’t want to lose whatever small hold I felt I had on him.
I understood him even back then. He lived as a conflicted man but I knew how to make him happy. At least I thought I did. I never bothered him. I tried my best to never call or text and if I did I kept it short and sweet. He was a complex man and I didn’t want to be something complex for him. I saw him only on his terms and when he wanted and could make time. I did whatever I could to make him happy. I swear in the few years when we were lovers we were only together a handful of times. If I check my calendar I probably have all the dates of when we were intimate. He brought the inner child in me out like that; writing silly things down like dates. Not in a bad way either, he just made me feel young and vibrant again. Somewhere on my old laptop I think I stored all our conversations. We were together for a few years before he went radio silent on me. Our relationship back then was not a ‘normal’ one by anyone’s standard but it worked for us.
I missed him everyday after he left. I never could find someone that measured up to him. He was the one for me. I was too scared to lose him so I played it cool. I was open with him about so many of my feelings but I never really confessed how deep my love was. I knew eventually he would walk away because like all men he would need to find a woman to give him children and I had already prepared myself mentally for his departure. Not sure i was ready though. I suffered immensely for a bit but my life went on. Everyone I met just wasn’t him and I never truly gave myself entirely to another man. Somehow in my heart I knew or wished he would return.
I had finally pushed myself to return to school after my retirement from the company. I went back and earned my masters degree which I was so very proud of. My brain was never one for books but I did my best and pushed so hard for it. Here at the school I found a way to somehow work and enjoy retirement at the same time. This small campus though riddled with noise and kids throughout the day, at night was my sanctuary for reading and relaxing. The school had told me eventually another employee would have to move in but I had been here for 3 years already and most people had chosen to live off the campus. My parents were retired to their native land. My sister and brother were both married with their respective families so it was just me. The campus seemed like a perfect fit and it was rent free while I was employed with the school.
The day he moved in I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I hadn’t had one in years. I saw him coming up the stairs via the window and our eyes locked. He still looked like a god, my Adonis. I looked away and went to my room. I was lost and confused in my thoughts. Why was he here? Had his marriage failed? Was he running away as he always did? I didn’t understand. That night I lay in my bed and couldn’t sleep. He must have heard me moving about and came knocking at my door. I was not decent back then either. I was accustomed to being alone. After I opened the door I sat back down and covered myself with my comforter. He asked if he could come in. I directed him to sit at the foot of my bed. It was the same bed we had had so many sexual encounters on. I smiled as the thought crossed my mind and looked down. He told me his marriage had failed because of him. He said his wife didn’t understand him, or rather she never bothered to like I had. He said simply that with her he never removed his masks. I understood exactly what he meant. It was an old secret only he and I shared. Well at least in my mind it was our secret. They had a beautiful boy and they lived not too far from the school. The job opening had been a perfect fit for him while allowing him to spend time with his son. We talked a bit but I didn’t offer much because I was still in shock. All I kept thinking was that we were going to live together under the same roof and I didn’t know if I could. I was still very much in love with him and even back then like right now, I never truly knew what he felt for me.
I went to the kitchen nervous and I knew why. We had been living under the same roof for two weeks now and I was doing my damndest to avoid him. I hadn’t seen him at all until now. I opened the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water. I bent down and grabbed another one for him and he leaned right into my bent ass. When I had been with him a few years back I wasn’t in the best shape. I started almost a year after sleeping with him, trying to really get into shape but he never got to see the final product. It took me another solid year to look remotely close to who I was now. The water bottles fell to the floor. I bent down to retrieve them but he forced me to stand up and then he grabbed my breasts. He was never a breast man but he knew how sensitive my nipples were. I tried to turn around but he just pushed me against the wall while closing the refrigerator door all at the same time.
I was breathing hard and he leaned down to my ear and whispered ‘how long did you think you were going to avoid me’? I swear my underwear was soaked from just hearing his voice. He turned me around and pushed me down to my knees. He didn’t even have to say anything else. I belonged to this man. This man was my everything and I was his in body, soul and mind even when he was playing house with his ex-wife. I came to find out later he was now divorced. I looked up at him and he looked lovingly down at me. ‘I fucking missed you’ he said to me and I was done for. I reached up and slid down his sweats knowing he was commando under them. Old habits die hard with this one. He placed a finger under my chin and forced me to look up. I know he wanted to see my eyes. My eyes were his weakness. I looked up at him the only way I knew how. I opened my soul through my eyes for him.
I grab his cock and inhale it’s scent at the base. I lick the soft skin that’s between his balls and his shaft. I can tug on the skin easily and I know there’s a soft tingling sensation for him there. I slide my mouth down to his balls and suck them with force. I hear him sucking his teeth and I look up at him intently. He pulls my head back and away from his penis and proceeds to grab me in one swift motion up to him. He kisses my chin and then sucks on my neck. He moves to my shoulder and bites with such force I groan loudly. I never forgot his intense bites that left the most loving bruises. He stares at my eyes for a moment before dragging me to the living room and bending me over on the couch. In a swift move he slides into my wet pussy from behind. He groans so loud. I’m soaked with the juices that flow from my pussy but I am tight. I haven’t had a man in a very long time and I know that groan is because he can feel the tight pussy gripping his cock. He pulls all the way out and slams into me with brute force. Again and again he repeats this motion as if to feel again and again how tight she clamps on to him. I’m moaning so loud I’m afraid to be heard by anyone walking outside.
He pulls my head up by my hair near his chest but he is still fucking me raw like an animal. I have nothing to grab in front of me for leverage so I try and hold on to his thighs. Jesus and Mary his thighs are rock solid. He is still a knight in shining rock hard armor and it’s all him. He pushes my hands off his thighs and pulls out of my pussy while turning me around. He kisses me ferociously and just looks at my eyes. He has my hair gripped in his hand and we are both just panting while staring at one another. He releases my hair and I drop to my knees once again. I need to eat him. I want to taste my juices mixed with his sweat and pre-cum. My lips wrap around his thickness and start gliding up and down with such suction that my lips become swollen almost immediately. I don’t stop though. I continue consuming his cock like it’s my last meal. He pulls my face slightly back and looks at me while my lips increase their movement. Then he pulls my head all the way back and his cock slips out of my mouth. He tells me to slide my tongue out and he slaps my tongue with his cock. It’s so hard that the pressure from my tongue presses down on my teeth and it’s hurts. I welcome the pain.
For the past few years my lovers have been few and quite fastidious. I didn’t even want half of them but a woman has needs. In the end most of them were not even worth my time. Always I compared them to him. Always my mind reverted back to him. Always I just wanted it to be him. No one ever measured up. They were always too soft or talked too much or texted dumb ass words that never held my attention. Whatever I asked I got. I know it’s every woman’s dream to have a man just comply but that wasn’t my dream. My dream man was this man right here before me. He always held my mind, my thoughts and my attention because he always gave so much while giving so little of himself. It wasn’t manipulative or wrong in any way, it simply was just his way and I understood that about him. I understood and accepted him for who and how he was and I still loved him with no bounds.
He walked away towards my room. I simply got up and followed him. When I walked in to my bedroom he was already laying in the bed. His forefinger signaled me to come to him. I was still fucking nervous inside but I knew all that would cease in a moment. I climbed on to the bed and straddled him. He sat up as I grabbed his cock and slid it slowly inside me. I threw my head back from the pleasure in my body but most importantly the one in my mind. The level of pure bliss was simply indescribable. He grabbed my ass and while I rode him he slammed my ass back down with every stroke. I couldn’t take the pleasure because the buildup was immediate. I leaned towards him and our foreheads touched as a small deep groan escaped my lips and my first orgasm ripped through my body. I locked my eyes on his and I know he felt it. I slowed down a bit before I started to build the momentum back up. I’m not sure what got into me but I started bucking him so hard and fast. I wanted to consume him. I wanted to swallow his whole body. I wanted to take him in me with such force. It was like I couldn’t hold back. I saw his head roll back as he lost his grip on my ass and begin breathing so hard it turned into a groan. He mumbled the word fuck and my second orgasm came rolling out right away. He moaned so loud as his orgasm took over, it was like the entire room vibrated from the intensity. I followed suit and screamed at the top of my lungs his name. I hadn’t said his name out loud in years and my body yearned to do so now.
We both slowed down and just stared at each other. He sat up and kissed me so gently. We just kept looking at each other and still rocking ever so slightly. He was still inside of me and even though I knew he would lose it soon, his cock was still very fucking hard. He pulled my hair back and slipped out from under me. He laid me down on the bed and just started biting my ass. This was his after care. He was very much so marking his territory and I didn’t care. I never stopped being his. I was his even when I knew he was living his life next to someone else. I turned to my side after my ass was all bruised and full of possibly half a dozen bite marks. He cradled me in a spooning position. I turned my head and looked at him and he simply kissed my forehead. He slipped his cock in between my legs and just held me and for the first time ever in our lives, we fell asleep together……
Sometimes you wake up and you realize it’s just you. You are all you have and it’s ok. It’s ok because you know you are going to make it and no one is going to tell you otherwise. Life throws so many curve balls at you and the only thing you can do is keep trying to get it out of the ballpark. Today is like any other day and I know I just have to embrace it. The last two weeks I’ve cleansed my mind, thoughts and heart of all negative things. It’s hard to just let go and move forward but even this idea of holding on to a lost hope of a miracle baby was holding me back. I’m letting go because I don’t want anything holding me back. Every day I see and feel the changes in my body and I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to talk about it and I don’t know who to turn to. One minute I’m burning up and the next I’m freezing. My menstrual cycle is highly irregular and doesn’t even show up sometimes. Yes I’m still young for what I’m going through but I believe I’m pre-menopausal. Unfortunately it’s something that runs in my family, the early onset of menopause. Life is cruel but it’s a reality I need to accept. I think though I’m really coming to terms with it. It’s insane how a month or two can make you see things differently. I started running again and it helps a lot. It’s a real escape to just hit the pavement and go. It’s a time when my mind is most free and liberated. I can let go of my pain and anger and feel truly at peace. What still bothers me is waking up and not having someone to talk to. Sure I have my girlfriends I can reach out to but all of them have kids. They can’t even begin to understand me. They are also either married or with someone so I don’t call because I don’t want to be that friend that just calls to cry and complain. To be honest they say things sometimes that are so inappropriate and just wrong because they simply do not understand. At our gatherings I’ve even stopped talking as much as I used to but I don’t think anyone has even noticed. I’m tired of the senseless comments. I lay in bed terrified at meeting up with my friends tomorrow and excited at a girls night out but I can’t hide either. I welcome the one or two that truly know to not speak out of terms and I walk away from the idiotic and hurtful comments. I know they mean well but why friends don’t stop and actually look up WHAT NOT TO SAY to their infertile friend is beyond me. Plus I’ve always been good at just keeping things to myself and smiling at the world. It’s what I do best. I smile, laugh and keep it all bottled in.
I think I came to a realization that Infertility was either going to define me or I was simply going to kick it in the ass and keep moving. I of course chose the latter. I decided to look at it and simply smile because I couldn’t change anything. Why live with a pain that you have no control over? Don’t get me wrong, I still feel that God played me dirty in this thing called life but i have simply decided that it wasn’t going to be something that defines who I am as a person. Do I pray for miracles? Yes of course! I don’t think you truly ever stop hoping. It’s about finding a balance. It’s about not letting that hope be 95% of your day; maybe just 15 lol! I can wake up and know I won’t be a mom and it’s not as overwhelming as it was. Accepting it was my first step and that was the hardest part. Once I realized I had to let go of these dreams that wouldn’t come to fruition then the rest of my feelings followed suit. I feel I’m in a good place right now. Running has become my go to for all worries and stress dumps. I even started exercising a bit at home so I can get my body back in shape. If I can’t get fat and swollen and have back pains due to pregnancy then I might as well try to lose this excess weight, work towards looking fabulous physically and give fitness a real try by embracing my infertility. I know I have a long way to go in terms of true acceptance but I have started and for me that is a real breakthrough. I reached a point where I couldn’t just lay in bed crying every morning or every night. I also stopped imagining that men will be ok with my infertility so I stay away from men who have no kids. I don’t ever want a man to hold against me that I did not give him children. It’s so much that infertile women have to go through. The one man who has been a constant in my life this past year but not by any conventional means is not a father but is free to walk away when he sees fit. I dread that day and know it will be another grand loss for me but at least I am as mentally prepared as I can be. After our initial encounter I was forthcoming with him about my infertility and asked him to never speak of it. He has respected that and though I care for him deeply I know the time will come when he will meet a woman who can give him a home and a family and he will no longer be in my life. It pains me but not as much as it would pain me if he later would regret not being a father because he stuck with me. It’s another reality I live with and am working through mentally. Infertility sucks all around. There is no way to put it all in one neat package and even attempt to put a bow on. It’s a harsh reality that so many of us deal with. We can only do our best with the pain we have been dealt.
WRITTEN NOVEMBER 2017
For the past few weeks I haven’t been able to get out of bed to go running. Running has been my therapy. I’ve been struggling to get motivated or even be motivated. I’m just struggling. I don’t have a real partner that I can go to and have him hold me when I feel alone and in despair. My mom is here visiting but spends more time with the grandkids. My own sister, though she always listens is dealing with her own issues of infertility. I don’t have anyone to turn to. I feel very alone. Lost and in despair from not knowing what to do or where to turn to.
I don’t know why I’m even writing. I don’t want to hear that ‘stress is getting in the way’ or ‘if it’s meant to be it will happen’ or that ‘god has a plan for me’ or ‘take my kids’ or ‘kids are hard’ or whatever other nonsense people think is ok to say. Adopt or take on a hobby or some other bullshit is what people want to say because they don’t know. Baby shower invitations sit on my counter, my fridge is covered with thank you notes from moms who send pics of their kids and countless holiday cards with pictures of babies, kids and families. I’m not mad at them for I am not an envious and evil person but I want to be them. Is that wrong? To want what someone else has? I want to send out holiday cards with my babies, I want to invite people to my baby shower. I want to have a husband that leans his head into my pregnant stomach. I want swollen feet. I want to be woken in the middle of the night from a crying baby. Instead I’m mentally preparing myself to learn to accept that I will die alone and childless; I won’t become a mother. I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to accept. I’m struggling.
I don’t know why I can’t even sustain a relationship with a man. After my divorce some 6 years back I changed as a woman. I became more nurturing and loving. With my ex husband I was too rigid, calculated and sometimes manipulative. I have a great career. At home I’m what you can consider an ideal woman, I cook and clean and love having sex. Perhaps I scare men off. Perhaps I’m too aggressive and I swear I try my best not to be. Perhaps love simply isn’t in the cards for me. I have a man in my life but he will never be truly mine. He is young and the possibility of fatherhood is still present. I swear though i would stay with him even if he fathered elsewhere; if it was something he would want but I’m deviating. I can’t even really consider him mine since I never really spend time with him at all. I’ve been seeing him for about 8 months and our relationship is not a conventional one. It’s makes me sad to think I can’t be loved. How can i even consider asking someone like that anything in regards to my situation, like adoption? I’ve thought of adoption but if adoption is hard for a married couple imagine what it’s like for a single woman?
I bought my house almost 5 years ago and it was such an amazing milestone for me because I did it all on my own. The house was supposed to represent the beginning of a new life with someone I had met. I thought that in this home I would get a real marriage and a family with my white picket fence and a dog. That man left 1 week after I closed on my house and I’ve never spoken to him ever again. He went back to his ex-wife and I truly hope he is happy wherever he is. I wish no ill will towards anyone. In the end I busted my ass in this house and I loved it until recently I felt that this house was a burden weighing down on what my dreams were supposed to be. It’s time to let it go. My house will be on the market as early as this upcoming year. It’s time for me to accept that I’m alone and that I don’t need a 3 bedroom house with all this space just for me. It’s a big step but it’s an important one to begin my healing.
Will I ever understand why this has happened to me? I don’t know. Going through all those medical procedures and experiencing so many ups and downs definitely did a number on me and broke me down in ways I never imagined. Hiding it from people at work, which i still do but was much harder when i was injecting myself and taking a million vitamins and trying to stay stress free was even harder. Every 2 week wait that I experienced was horrible because it ended with a negative pregnancy.
That hope of a maybe and the possibility of one day cradling your newborn is so strong it makes even an atheist or agnostic believe. In the end after 9 or 10 failed procedures (I lost count) I gave up because of lack of funds and because my partner at the time just wasn’t there emotionally, financially or even physically. He simply did not care. He ended up leaving about 8 months after I stopped all the procedures and honestly it was for the best. I think he resented me for putting him through all the procedures though in the beginning he wanted it as much as I did. Also my asking that he be more supportive from all angles wasn’t something he knew how to do. He had mentally checked out somewhere after the 3rd or 4th procedure. I don’t hold anything against him but maybe if he would have shown more love I would have been pregnant. Maybe not but I can’t sit here and think about that.
It’s that single thread of hope that we hold on to… it makes us feel a despair quite like no other. I ask God, why me? I did everything right in life. Never intentionally set out to hurt anyone. If I did hurt someone I sought them out and made peace with forgiveness. Yet here I am a woman who can’t conceive. No children to run around my legs. No laughter around me. Just an eerie silence that destroys me inside and reminds me I am alone. I don’t even have a partner, someone who whispers I love you at night and tells me that his love will take away the pain. At night I dream of soft baby skins and small clothings and little fingers that squeeze my own. I wake up with a pain like no other. I can’t even describe it because it’s so hard and strong of an emotion that it bears no name. Help me get through this, please help me, please….