It’s that single thread of hope that we hold on to… it makes us feel a despair quite like no other. I ask God, why me? I did everything right in life. Never intentionally set out to hurt anyone. If I did hurt someone I sought them out and made peace with forgiveness. Yet here I am a woman who can’t conceive. No children to run around my legs. No laughter around me. Just an eerie silence that destroys me inside and reminds me I am alone. I don’t even have a partner, someone who whispers I love you at night and tells me that his love will take away the pain. At night I dream of soft baby skins and small clothings and little fingers that squeeze my own. I wake up with a pain like no other. I can’t even describe it because it’s so hard and strong of an emotion that it bears no name. Help me get through this, please help me, please….
What is a boyfriend? Today I was reminded that I never use that word anymore. I’m older and I would like to think wiser but I never use that word anymore. Society has changed and thus has made us more surrounded by walls despite wanting that thing called love. We seek the warmth of another’s skin, the smile that turns into a kiss for our face; we seek the hand which fingers interlock with ours. We stand in the shower and as the glass fogs we draw our initials in a heart hoping to seal in the possibility of a relationship. We watch movies where the end is a home full of love and the endless possibilities of an amazing family.
What reality does not show is that perhaps you are older and can no longer bare any child to any man. It does not show that maybe you’ll find a man who will accept you because all he wants is your love and he isn’t interested in children. It doesn’t show that maybe he has children and now he wants to share that life with you. The happily ever after doesn’t show you that perhaps you both live in a great apartment instead of a house and that it’s perfect for you two and maybe a dog. So many different happily ever afters but where is yours. Where is my happily ever after?
Today I woke up reminded how I’m not good enough for some men. I hate having conversations with men about life and all that jazz. The truth is that I know because I can’t give a man children I automatically have to go towards another type. I have to look for men who have kids, don’t want kids (which is rare) or are older who like above have a life established and kids don’t fit the bill. I’ve been pushing myself so hard these past few months to lose weight and look better so that maybe, just maybe I can make myself more ‘marketable’. But who am I kidding, I’ve got a long road ahead and despite knowing I have amazing skills in bed it’s just not enough with how I look. I’m not obese by any means or standards but I’m currently about 15-20lbs overweight and it all sits on my fucking belly and nasty double chin and let’s not even talk about my huge arms which most days I can at least manage to hide. I guess what kills me is that I’m not Sally from the Valley all prim and proper and I don’t have a killer body and well we all know I love sex and that’s not settle down material. Despite what men say, I’m Ms. Right now not anyone’s Ms. Right.
My ex always said if we couldn’t have kids we would be happy just he and I and the dog but in the end he just stopped loving me. He spent over 6 months without touching me and it made me feel ugly inside and out. His passion for me just died and all I wanted was to be loved. I knew I had to lose weight but I also knew it was because I couldn’t give him children despite trying for so long. It killed a part of me inside and I don’t know if I’ll ever get that back. If it was because I was overweight and not because I couldn’t give him kids he could have talked to me and expressed his feelings. But he never talked to me. I HATED that. With no communication in any relationship you have absolutely nothing. If he would have assured me that it wasn’t because of the kids I would have busted my ass to keep us intimate. But he just stopped loving me. Even when I would walk through the door I wouldn’t get a hello or goodbye kiss. It was truly heartbreaking.
Life is truly cruel sometimes but we just have to keep moving forward despite it.
Most days I go through the motions and don’t think about the fact that I will never have a child. I try not to dwell on it or even think about it. But other days it’s like it’s slapping me in the face and cruelly reminding me of my downfall. It’s been a hard long road for me and I know it will get worse before it gets better but I’m fighting through it.
The other night I broke down mentally. I think about the men in my life and how I know I could never truly be with them in more than a physical capacity and it’s simply because I can’t give them a family. These men are more than happy to just provide sex with no emotional attachment. I know my worth as a person and as a woman but that doesn’t mean shit. Most men if not all want a woman who will give them children, build a family that will continue their name and legacy. I cannot give a man that.
I feel broken inside. I feel incomplete as a woman. I feel lost and displaced because even though it does not define me in a certain way I feel it does. All I have to offer is amazing sex. That’s what I’m good at. Sex is why men seek me. Sex is what I have to offer.
People don’t understand but sex is what gives me the power to get past it all. The power I feel in sexual relationships is what gets me through the day and looking forward to tomorrow or the next conquest. Inside I’m like a man putting notches on my belt for every new man; so many that I’ve lost count. It’s the game I play to face my days.