It’s that single thread of hope that we hold on to… it makes us feel a despair quite like no other. I ask God, why me? I did everything right in life. Never intentionally set out to hurt anyone. If I did hurt someone I sought them out and made peace with forgiveness. Yet here I am a woman who can’t conceive. No children to run around my legs. No laughter around me. Just an eerie silence that destroys me inside and reminds me I am alone. I don’t even have a partner, someone who whispers I love you at night and tells me that his love will take away the pain. At night I dream of soft baby skins and small clothings and little fingers that squeeze my own. I wake up with a pain like no other. I can’t even describe it because it’s so hard and strong of an emotion that it bears no name. Help me get through this, please help me, please….
Pase la noche pensando en ti…..
I reached over and you were not there. I wanted to feel your warmth.
I searched for your hand to hold. I could not find your fingers to interlock with.
I looked for your face in the dark. The absence of a beautiful man is what I was met with.
My mind craves you.
My body desires you.
My heart wants you.
What is a boyfriend? Today I was reminded that I never use that word anymore. I’m older and I would like to think wiser but I never use that word anymore. Society has changed and thus has made us more surrounded by walls despite wanting that thing called love. We seek the warmth of another’s skin, the smile that turns into a kiss for our face; we seek the hand which fingers interlock with ours. We stand in the shower and as the glass fogs we draw our initials in a heart hoping to seal in the possibility of a relationship. We watch movies where the end is a home full of love and the endless possibilities of an amazing family.
What reality does not show is that perhaps you are older and can no longer bare any child to any man. It does not show that maybe you’ll find a man who will accept you because all he wants is your love and he isn’t interested in children. It doesn’t show that maybe he has children and now he wants to share that life with you. The happily ever after doesn’t show you that perhaps you both live in a great apartment instead of a house and that it’s perfect for you two and maybe a dog. So many different happily ever afters but where is yours. Where is my happily ever after?
I open the door for him and he’s standing there looking oh so succulent. My hand is raised on the door and I’m standing in ‘come fuck me heels’. He stares up and down at me and I’m excited for what’s to come. He walks through the door and grabs my left hand and just pulls me as he tells me to shut the door behind me. I push the door closed as he leads me and demands me to sit on the couch. I do as I’m told. I sit down but I’m impatient, I want to eat him, I want to lick him, I want to devour him; I’ve missed him. Looking at him now I realize just how much. He’s been on my mind constantly. The anticipation inside of me of what’s to come is eating at me, tearing away at my soul. I sit on the couch and I’m fidgeting. He opens up my legs and squats down… ugh… he doesn’t even know where to begin. He’s just looking at me and he seems to be taking it all in.
He starts to bite my thighs. He loves to bite, it’s like his favorite pastime with my body parts. He’s biting and nibbling everywhere and I’m getting so turned on. His bites are always the right amount of pleasure and pain. The perfect balance of wanting to be hurt but seeking the pleasure that pushes you over the edge. I push him and I tell him ‘no’ I’ve waited too long for this, I’ve waited too long for you; I want to play. Hmph, he smirks at me and just stares into my eyes. I try to bend down and get at his belt while he’s still trying and very much succeeding in biting me. I grab his belt, I open the belt, I open the first button, I get the second button and then I get the third button of his jeans. Now he stands up, I reach in and I can’t even breathe……., everything stands still; god I’ve missed this cock. I pull it out and I look at it, just the head, I just want to lick it. I lick it slowly and he gasps, ‘fuck’ he says. He’s missed me as well. I realize at this point that he’s not wearing any underwear, fucking awesome. I look up at him at he sees that I realize that he’s gone commando but I love it, easy access and all.
I continue to lick the head. I bite it softly, lick the side, lick both sides. Jesus I’ve missed him so much. I continue to lick the underside. God he smells so fucking good. His smell is intoxicating. There’s something about it that drives me to the edge. I continue to naw softly while I’m licking, sucking then finally just taking him in my mouth and sliding down….. f u c k…… I’m in such a rush my mouth is dry and I don’t care because I just want him in there. He’s grabbing my head and pushing it down aaaah, damn I’m gagging. My gag reflex is killing me today but he doesn’t realize or doesn’t care because he keeps pushing my head down and I’m not stopping him. I want him in my mouth. I come back up for air but I can see his patience is just at the edge with me, he wants so much more.
He opens up my legs and brings his teeth to my underwear. He looks up at me and then stands up again. He decides otherwise and slides my underwear down in a rush that they almost rip. I’m panting like a dog in heat waiting for him to take me. He licks his hands to moisten my entrance and what he finds is a wet pussy soaked in anticipation of his arrival. He looks at me and tells me I’m so fucking wet. I grab his neck to pull him down slowly and when our foreheads connect I tell him that my pussy only gets wet for him. He is the reason for my excitement. He positions his cock at the entrance of my pussy and slides it in. God the euphoric feeling of just that moment is enough to almost send me over the fucking edge but all I can do is gasp and grunt all at the same time. I don’t tell him how close I am. He can’t know what he does to me. I can’t stroke his fucking ego anymore than it already is.
I know I’m about to come. He’s sliding in and out with such precision and such mastery I feel like I’m in the edge of a precipice I may never come back from. My body explodes into small micro orgasms. It’s like an epileptic attack on my small frame but I hold on to him because I don’t want him to stop and I don’t want him to know how easily he can make me orgasm. Orgasms are so difficult for me but it’s like he can pull them out of me as if I were a wind up toy. He knows what to do and how to do it and how much time is needed to achieve that moment of chasing an ultimate sexual high.
He’s still stroking me and I’m so fucking wet. I think he feels it and he gets up and sits down on the couch. He has me straddle him with my back facing his chest but in this position it’s very painful. He achieves a depth that’s downright scary and painful, yet still I don’t dare stop him. He is the artist and i am just his canvass of sexual making. I adjust myself and continue to ride him but his patience is short so he pulls me so my back is on his chest. Now I can fuck him with ease. The feeling is so fucking good and I want to ride him like this but he continues to seek more. He grabs both my breast which are currently still covered with my bra. I remove the straps while he unhooks the back. He’s pushing my body down on to his dick by pressuring my body down via my breasts. Fuck I’m about to come again. I feel it; the spasms forming little by little inside deep within my core. I want to speed up and I want to slow down at the same time. My body is about to explode so I choose the latter and slow down. I don’t want him to know yet again how he affects me. It’s how he is able to hit the fucking spot and bring on so many orgasms in me. I feel my body exploding within and I ride out the orgasm just as he decides to stand up and switch it up again.
He stands up and goes to the bed, I’m the one that’s two orgasms up but he’s the one experiencing the weakness. Now my ego is stroked. He lays down and I straddle him but this time facing him. I try to take off my heels but he grabs my hand and looks at me and says ‘leave them on’. I’m high. My intentions have reached their goal and for once I feel I’ve achieved an upper hand in this duel. He pushes my hand away from my heels with force because in the end it is he who is in charge and I should know better; but I take my small victories. I bend down and bite his lower lip as our eyes connect and our foreheads touch once more. I position myself above his dick and slide my pussy down. My eyes roll back and my head follows suit. His hand comes up to my neck and my breathing becomes restricted. This is my reminder that I will never be in charge in this bedroom. I’m in fucking heaven and I’m not sure I want to come back to earth. He positions himself so his grip is strong but not overpowering as I continue to ride him. I’m rocking back and forth, sliding up and down. I start to rock again and his grip around my neck becomes tighter. I’m getting lost in an abyss of pure unadulterated pleasure. My breathing is shallow and my pussy deceives me. Just when I think I can hold off, my orgasm is creeping up with a brute force. I can hear his growls and groans and I know he’s about to explode. He releases my throat and the air expelled from my lungs is a direct burst to my impending orgasm. He hears me beginning to explode and I scream out. His body begins to shake and it’s like it’s shattered into another universe where there are no sublimations and nothing is suppressed.
There’s a sensation and a power that takes over my body when I first pull it out and grasp it in my hand. The gasp and exhale that happen all at once just thinking about how I’m going to attack it, is loud. My tongue comes out instinctively and licks the head. I jump down to the base because I can smell the sperm building up. I bite the base and lick all around it. I suck on that spot right between the base and where the balls connect. I suck it, nibble it and try to eat it all together. I want to consume it but I can’t. I lick the underside all the way up back to the head. It’s the arousal in me that’s been set too high and my way also of preparing my soon descent. I pop the head in my mouth and pop it back out with force and suction. I repeat it again because the sound is something I like, I want to hear it again. I repeat it for the third time. On the fourth time I place the head against the inside of my cheek and smack it with my hand; not once but twice. I look up at your face and you’re grinding your teeth. I slide down your entire shaft and bring it to the back of my throat. I slide back up, I need more lubrication from my mouth. I bring it back down while letting the saliva drip everywhere. My hands are on your thighs and I squeeze them. I can barely grip them because your quads are a mass of pure muscle. I continue to slide up and down your shaft with my mouth. Every time it hits the back of my throat you grab my head and keep it there for a second or two more. I look up again and my eyes start to tear. I don’t care because I want more of you inside my mouth. I continue to slide my mouth up and down while adding extra suction on my cheeks. Now my tongue and the inside of my cheeks are squeezing your dick and the momentum is building. I can smell your milk coming up the shaft. Your hand comes to my face and forces me to look up. You tell me not to stop and I know you’re about to bust. I slow down and only suck the head gently. I want to play and don’t want you coming yet. You look into my eyes pleading. I stop and ask you, what do you want. The only word that comes out of your mouth is please. I smile and attack like a vulture eating its prey. I suck it hard and fast. My hand rolls through your balls like a skilled chef kneading its dough with just enough pressure. You look down at me one last time before your head dips back and the only groan in the room is you saying my name as your cum makes it into my mouth and all the way down my throat. Drop after drop I milk you clean until your knees can no longer contain the shaking of your legs and entire body…….
Today I realized that even as we grow, those around us do not. Age does not make us more intelligent or even more weary of how to treat others. It’s only after we hurt and deal with certain situations in our lives do we realize that we need to treat people with a certain kind of respect. We don’t do it for them, we do it because it makes us better human beings.
Last week I hooked up with a guy who I genuinely thought was ‘nice’. I’ve known of him for years but never really reached out to engage in conversation until last month. So we got together and I thought he was god sent!! Not sexually because to be honest I felt he lacked a bit of experience but as a person. I got to his place after work and he let me take a long shower, he washed all my clothes and in the morning he even took me to breakfast. Fuck I thought, I could work with this! I could definitely help him improve sexually and was willing to overlook that for being such a nice guy.
But boy was I wrong!!
My issue right now is why did I misjudge him. Am I so fucked up that the first guy who comes with ‘game’ is able to so easily deceive me? I know that my id still seeks to find companionship in some way or form. I know I would like to have a constant in my life that is more than just the sexual component but how did I misread him so much?
Since last week (despite my leaving for 3 days on a Caribbean getaway) I have not spent any time with him. Normally it’s not a big deal but we work the same hours and he is 5 minutes away from my job! I would think that he would seek me out at least for the sexual component.
I honestly think I’m out of touch with the world of men sometimes……
Today I woke up reminded how I’m not good enough for some men. I hate having conversations with men about life and all that jazz. The truth is that I know because I can’t give a man children I automatically have to go towards another type. I have to look for men who have kids, don’t want kids (which is rare) or are older who like above have a life established and kids don’t fit the bill. I’ve been pushing myself so hard these past few months to lose weight and look better so that maybe, just maybe I can make myself more ‘marketable’. But who am I kidding, I’ve got a long road ahead and despite knowing I have amazing skills in bed it’s just not enough with how I look. I’m not obese by any means or standards but I’m currently about 15-20lbs overweight and it all sits on my fucking belly and nasty double chin and let’s not even talk about my huge arms which most days I can at least manage to hide. I guess what kills me is that I’m not Sally from the Valley all prim and proper and I don’t have a killer body and well we all know I love sex and that’s not settle down material. Despite what men say, I’m Ms. Right now not anyone’s Ms. Right.
My ex always said if we couldn’t have kids we would be happy just he and I and the dog but in the end he just stopped loving me. He spent over 6 months without touching me and it made me feel ugly inside and out. His passion for me just died and all I wanted was to be loved. I knew I had to lose weight but I also knew it was because I couldn’t give him children despite trying for so long. It killed a part of me inside and I don’t know if I’ll ever get that back. If it was because I was overweight and not because I couldn’t give him kids he could have talked to me and expressed his feelings. But he never talked to me. I HATED that. With no communication in any relationship you have absolutely nothing. If he would have assured me that it wasn’t because of the kids I would have busted my ass to keep us intimate. But he just stopped loving me. Even when I would walk through the door I wouldn’t get a hello or goodbye kiss. It was truly heartbreaking.
Life is truly cruel sometimes but we just have to keep moving forward despite it.
Most days I go through the motions and don’t think about the fact that I will never have a child. I try not to dwell on it or even think about it. But other days it’s like it’s slapping me in the face and cruelly reminding me of my downfall. It’s been a hard long road for me and I know it will get worse before it gets better but I’m fighting through it.
The other night I broke down mentally. I think about the men in my life and how I know I could never truly be with them in more than a physical capacity and it’s simply because I can’t give them a family. These men are more than happy to just provide sex with no emotional attachment. I know my worth as a person and as a woman but that doesn’t mean shit. Most men if not all want a woman who will give them children, build a family that will continue their name and legacy. I cannot give a man that.
I feel broken inside. I feel incomplete as a woman. I feel lost and displaced because even though it does not define me in a certain way I feel it does. All I have to offer is amazing sex. That’s what I’m good at. Sex is why men seek me. Sex is what I have to offer.
People don’t understand but sex is what gives me the power to get past it all. The power I feel in sexual relationships is what gets me through the day and looking forward to tomorrow or the next conquest. Inside I’m like a man putting notches on my belt for every new man; so many that I’ve lost count. It’s the game I play to face my days.
I wake up and there you are staring at me. I stare back for a minute or so and you get up on your knees. My pussy is sore from last nights fuck session and still filled with your orgasmic milky explosions. You pull my legs towards you and I’m scared of the pain my poor pussy is about to experience. I welcome the pain despite my fear and I yearn for it. You bring my legs around your waist and your head comes up to my breasts. You ask me if I’m going to be a good girl and take it. I nod my head up and down and bite my lower lip. You take your thumb and come up to my face and place it next to my mouth. Your eyes are ignited with fire; a fire that needs to be put out. You know my pussy is the only thing with the juices needed to calm the fire within you. As your thumb slides inside my mouth your dick proceeds to do the same inside my pussy.
My mouth opens wide from the breathlessness, the intense pain and pleasure mixed together as one. I’m in pain and I don’t care because I want it so bad. You pull back out and give me a devilish grin and with no recourse start pounding inside me. I’m falling into an abyss and my senses are so heightened. The pain is ever consuming but I want it, I welcome it. The pleasure is building inside and I know my orgasm is imminent. You come down and suck on my left nipple, it’s taking me over the edge but not quite. I moan loud and you slide out.
I look at you in disbelief and you give me that killer grin again. Your finger gives me that come here twitch and I get up and get on all fours. It’s my lips you want now on that gorgeous cock and I’m more than willing despite being denied my orgasm. I’m more than happy to play this game of delayed gratification. I slide my lips right over the head. It’s all wet from my juices and I realize how savoring my pussy is. I slide my lips all the way to the base and retreat again to the head. I can hear you moaning and cursing all at the same time. You attempt to grab my head and I grab your arms and push you off balance. You were not expecting that and I’m able to gain some control of your body as I push your torso down. Your hands come back up to my head but I push them down, pinning them at the sides. I know you can get loose but I’m ecstatic that you allow me to play.
My head is moving up and down and my sucked in cheeks are creating a friction I can only imagine you are loving. You push my left hand out of the way and grab the back of my head as you lift it up. You come up and kiss me feverishly and I swear I’m going to come from the assault your tongue gives my tongue. We are both on our knees at this point and with one quick swipe I am under you again with my legs wide open.
You whisper in my ear how you love to taste my own pussy on my lips. I smile and with no warning your dick is sliding in with force and no regard. You are pumping into me hard and fast and I can’t think, I can’t breathe and I can only feel and let go. Our eyes are locked and you can feel the pulsing in my vagina indicating I’m about to orgasm. It takes you over the edge and before I realize it, I’m so far gone. Your moans in my ear are the last thing I hear before I pass out from the ever intense shared orgasm.
There’s a peace that comes from within when you reach a place you’ve longed for. You might think I speak of some inner zen but the truth is, sexual release is what gives me this peace. Sexual release on a level I feel I can get with you, it’s a place where you and I have just touched the surface.
With you I can explore, dive in, play, create, allow and just be myself sexually. Sometimes you seek a person hoping to connect on a mental level but in a physical aspect and you never find it. Connecting with someone mentally when it comes to sex is a different level of sex in and of itself. I finally feel like I can reach new heights and orgasmic blisses with you. I’ve searched so long for someone to want to play and discover with me.
I don’t seek a friend, I don’t seek nuance or trivial conversations, I don’t care for daily routines; none of those things I care about or matter to me. But that sexual connection that we have to experiment, try and play is what I want; it’s what I need and yearn for. It’s this physical desire that touches you mentally but only for the sake of achieving the ultimate sexual high….