Why I ask. I will never understand why me. I ask myself this question EVERY SINGLE DAY. I feel like I’ve been wronged. I don’t wish this upon any soul because at the end of the day I know my heart is pure. I would not want anyone to suffer as I have or to suffer as I continue to. My pain is real and it’s something that will never go away. I think it’s more about finding the balance of acceptance. Last night I cried. I find comfort in releasing the pain and anguish within. I cried because soon I’ll be out of this house that was supposed to become my home and never did. I cried because despite having Mr Crossfit in my life at any given moment he will walk because I can’t bear him children. I cried because every night I lay alone with just my thoughts and they remind me of the life that has been laid before me. Who grows up thinking that they won’t become a mother, no one. Perhaps along the way you decide you don’t want to but it’s a decision YOU make and not one that’s made for you. You always think you have time. You never think it will happen to you. I don’t ever remember anyone talking about being infertile in my family. I want to wake up and not feel this pain. I want to go to sleep happy in the arms of a man that accepts me as I am. I’ve come a long way but I still am facing a long road ahead. I know I will come out stronger because of it but I’m not fond of the journey.
I went on a run today and usually it helps immensely. Running has been my self prescribed therapy for this past year and some months. Today it didn’t work. I got home and after running over 13 miles all I felt was defeated. I didn’t understand and I still don’t. To make matters worse I’m trying to catch up on my tv shows and the one I start with has a couple going to a fertility clinic trying to get pregnant. Like seriously god?!? My cousin has just announced that him and his wife are expecting and people all over my feed on the internet are getting pregnant. I’m very happy for everyone but why is the universe and the gods messing with me? I’ve been doing so good. I’ve been accepting my fate. The truth is that by getting closer to Crossfit, I’m on edge. It’s only a matter of time before he walks and that scares me much more than my infertility. See if he accepts me then I’ll have the man of my dreams at my side accepting and loving me. If he walks then I lose him and it will be because of my infertility. You don’t want to be defined by infertility, but how are you not?
Sometimes you wake up and you realize it’s just you. You are all you have and it’s ok. It’s ok because you know you are going to make it and no one is going to tell you otherwise. Life throws so many curve balls at you and the only thing you can do is keep trying to get it out of the ballpark. Today is like any other day and I know I just have to embrace it. The last two weeks I’ve cleansed my mind, thoughts and heart of all negative things. It’s hard to just let go and move forward but even this idea of holding on to a lost hope of a miracle baby was holding me back. I’m letting go because I don’t want anything holding me back. Every day I see and feel the changes in my body and I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to talk about it and I don’t know who to turn to. One minute I’m burning up and the next I’m freezing. My menstrual cycle is highly irregular and doesn’t even show up sometimes. Yes I’m still young for what I’m going through but I believe I’m pre-menopausal. Unfortunately it’s something that runs in my family, the early onset of menopause. Life is cruel but it’s a reality I need to accept. I think though I’m really coming to terms with it. It’s insane how a month or two can make you see things differently. I started running again and it helps a lot. It’s a real escape to just hit the pavement and go. It’s a time when my mind is most free and liberated. I can let go of my pain and anger and feel truly at peace. What still bothers me is waking up and not having someone to talk to. Sure I have my girlfriends I can reach out to but all of them have kids. They can’t even begin to understand me. They are also either married or with someone so I don’t call because I don’t want to be that friend that just calls to cry and complain. To be honest they say things sometimes that are so inappropriate and just wrong because they simply do not understand. At our gatherings I’ve even stopped talking as much as I used to but I don’t think anyone has even noticed. I’m tired of the senseless comments. I lay in bed terrified at meeting up with my friends tomorrow and excited at a girls night out but I can’t hide either. I welcome the one or two that truly know to not speak out of terms and I walk away from the idiotic and hurtful comments. I know they mean well but why friends don’t stop and actually look up WHAT NOT TO SAY to their infertile friend is beyond me. Plus I’ve always been good at just keeping things to myself and smiling at the world. It’s what I do best. I smile, laugh and keep it all bottled in.
I think I came to a realization that Infertility was either going to define me or I was simply going to kick it in the ass and keep moving. I of course chose the latter. I decided to look at it and simply smile because I couldn’t change anything. Why live with a pain that you have no control over? Don’t get me wrong, I still feel that God played me dirty in this thing called life but i have simply decided that it wasn’t going to be something that defines who I am as a person. Do I pray for miracles? Yes of course! I don’t think you truly ever stop hoping. It’s about finding a balance. It’s about not letting that hope be 95% of your day; maybe just 15 lol! I can wake up and know I won’t be a mom and it’s not as overwhelming as it was. Accepting it was my first step and that was the hardest part. Once I realized I had to let go of these dreams that wouldn’t come to fruition then the rest of my feelings followed suit. I feel I’m in a good place right now. Running has become my go to for all worries and stress dumps. I even started exercising a bit at home so I can get my body back in shape. If I can’t get fat and swollen and have back pains due to pregnancy then I might as well try to lose this excess weight, work towards looking fabulous physically and give fitness a real try by embracing my infertility. I know I have a long way to go in terms of true acceptance but I have started and for me that is a real breakthrough. I reached a point where I couldn’t just lay in bed crying every morning or every night. I also stopped imagining that men will be ok with my infertility so I stay away from men who have no kids. I don’t ever want a man to hold against me that I did not give him children. It’s so much that infertile women have to go through. The one man who has been a constant in my life this past year but not by any conventional means is not a father but is free to walk away when he sees fit. I dread that day and know it will be another grand loss for me but at least I am as mentally prepared as I can be. After our initial encounter I was forthcoming with him about my infertility and asked him to never speak of it. He has respected that and though I care for him deeply I know the time will come when he will meet a woman who can give him a home and a family and he will no longer be in my life. It pains me but not as much as it would pain me if he later would regret not being a father because he stuck with me. It’s another reality I live with and am working through mentally. Infertility sucks all around. There is no way to put it all in one neat package and even attempt to put a bow on. It’s a harsh reality that so many of us deal with. We can only do our best with the pain we have been dealt.
WRITTEN NOVEMBER 2017
For the past few weeks I haven’t been able to get out of bed to go running. Running has been my therapy. I’ve been struggling to get motivated or even be motivated. I’m just struggling. I don’t have a real partner that I can go to and have him hold me when I feel alone and in despair. My mom is here visiting but spends more time with the grandkids. My own sister, though she always listens is dealing with her own issues of infertility. I don’t have anyone to turn to. I feel very alone. Lost and in despair from not knowing what to do or where to turn to.
I don’t know why I’m even writing. I don’t want to hear that ‘stress is getting in the way’ or ‘if it’s meant to be it will happen’ or that ‘god has a plan for me’ or ‘take my kids’ or ‘kids are hard’ or whatever other nonsense people think is ok to say. Adopt or take on a hobby or some other bullshit is what people want to say because they don’t know. Baby shower invitations sit on my counter, my fridge is covered with thank you notes from moms who send pics of their kids and countless holiday cards with pictures of babies, kids and families. I’m not mad at them for I am not an envious and evil person but I want to be them. Is that wrong? To want what someone else has? I want to send out holiday cards with my babies, I want to invite people to my baby shower. I want to have a husband that leans his head into my pregnant stomach. I want swollen feet. I want to be woken in the middle of the night from a crying baby. Instead I’m mentally preparing myself to learn to accept that I will die alone and childless; I won’t become a mother. I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to accept. I’m struggling.
I don’t know why I can’t even sustain a relationship with a man. After my divorce some 6 years back I changed as a woman. I became more nurturing and loving. With my ex husband I was too rigid, calculated and sometimes manipulative. I have a great career. At home I’m what you can consider an ideal woman, I cook and clean and love having sex. Perhaps I scare men off. Perhaps I’m too aggressive and I swear I try my best not to be. Perhaps love simply isn’t in the cards for me. I have a man in my life but he will never be truly mine. He is young and the possibility of fatherhood is still present. I swear though i would stay with him even if he fathered elsewhere; if it was something he would want but I’m deviating. I can’t even really consider him mine since I never really spend time with him at all. I’ve been seeing him for about 8 months and our relationship is not a conventional one. It’s makes me sad to think I can’t be loved. How can i even consider asking someone like that anything in regards to my situation, like adoption? I’ve thought of adoption but if adoption is hard for a married couple imagine what it’s like for a single woman?
I bought my house almost 5 years ago and it was such an amazing milestone for me because I did it all on my own. The house was supposed to represent the beginning of a new life with someone I had met. I thought that in this home I would get a real marriage and a family with my white picket fence and a dog. That man left 1 week after I closed on my house and I’ve never spoken to him ever again. He went back to his ex-wife and I truly hope he is happy wherever he is. I wish no ill will towards anyone. In the end I busted my ass in this house and I loved it until recently I felt that this house was a burden weighing down on what my dreams were supposed to be. It’s time to let it go. My house will be on the market as early as this upcoming year. It’s time for me to accept that I’m alone and that I don’t need a 3 bedroom house with all this space just for me. It’s a big step but it’s an important one to begin my healing.
Will I ever understand why this has happened to me? I don’t know. Going through all those medical procedures and experiencing so many ups and downs definitely did a number on me and broke me down in ways I never imagined. Hiding it from people at work, which i still do but was much harder when i was injecting myself and taking a million vitamins and trying to stay stress free was even harder. Every 2 week wait that I experienced was horrible because it ended with a negative pregnancy.
That hope of a maybe and the possibility of one day cradling your newborn is so strong it makes even an atheist or agnostic believe. In the end after 9 or 10 failed procedures (I lost count) I gave up because of lack of funds and because my partner at the time just wasn’t there emotionally, financially or even physically. He simply did not care. He ended up leaving about 8 months after I stopped all the procedures and honestly it was for the best. I think he resented me for putting him through all the procedures though in the beginning he wanted it as much as I did. Also my asking that he be more supportive from all angles wasn’t something he knew how to do. He had mentally checked out somewhere after the 3rd or 4th procedure. I don’t hold anything against him but maybe if he would have shown more love I would have been pregnant. Maybe not but I can’t sit here and think about that.
It’s that single thread of hope that we hold on to… it makes us feel a despair quite like no other. I ask God, why me? I did everything right in life. Never intentionally set out to hurt anyone. If I did hurt someone I sought them out and made peace with forgiveness. Yet here I am a woman who can’t conceive. No children to run around my legs. No laughter around me. Just an eerie silence that destroys me inside and reminds me I am alone. I don’t even have a partner, someone who whispers I love you at night and tells me that his love will take away the pain. At night I dream of soft baby skins and small clothings and little fingers that squeeze my own. I wake up with a pain like no other. I can’t even describe it because it’s so hard and strong of an emotion that it bears no name. Help me get through this, please help me, please….