I believe I have an obsession about you. It’s not an unhealthy obsession but more of a fascination. When i stare at your pictures it’s not like a woman who is staring at the eyes of her lover. The stare is more like that of a fan who is obsessed with a star she has never met. It’s not something I can quite place my finger on. When I see you though and you’re in front of me or you text or even the rare times you call it’s like I’m star struck. I’m left in awe of what is before me. Obsessions are created more from people who have never met their favorite actor or singer or famous persona. That’s the thing though, to me it’s like you’re this unattainable person and yet I’ve tasted you in so many different ways. I don’t think that’s something I’ll ever stop feeling no matter the time that passes or what may transpire between us………
What is that thing we call love? Is it really all that wonderful and patient and all that other jazz they talk about? We watch it on tv, listen about it in our music, visualize it through words in a story. We want to experience it the way it’s so described and depicted. The truth though is that it comes in so many different shapes and forms and by the time it trickles down to us it’s been tainted, broken down and so diluted that it’s hard to see the beauty in it. The beauty though is there and it’s present because no matter how many times we get broken, we push through it and again give it life by believing in the next person we feel might bring us light. It’s the possibility of that light and that new beginning and maybe even prospect of happily ever after that keeps our hearts and minds open to the possibility.
We get broken down to a cold and hopeless place. We cry and scream and do whatever is necessary to exorcize the pain from within our minds; but somehow we manage to get past it and begin anew. Why? Why do we venture out knowing that the possibility of anguish could one day come knocking at our door again? We do it because there is still that hope that the next time someone will come and give us a kiss that will breed new life and the possibility of new love. The hope of love…
Are we masochists though that we would take a chance that could ultimately lead us to another hurtful and devastating point in our lives? Why take the chance despite the hope within us that true love could finally come knocking on our door? We take those chances because of that euphoric feeling that ignites our very beings. You wake up, stare at his or her pictures, you daydream all day, you try to steal a look here or there, maybe even with social media now, go through their feed and imagine them with you or rather you with them. These small gestures make us feel alive again. It’s a feeling we all want and desire. It is why we continue to give in to so called love knowing it might not end well.
Love in its totality is so beautiful. It shows us our best and it show us our worst. It’s about learning from both spectrums about ourselves. In the end what we seek is for someone to stick by us as we would stick by them; to show up and to just be there. Do I believe in love? I do. Despite seeing myself at lows which I can’t even describe, I still believe. I still believe that one day I’ll sit next to the love of my life and stare into their eyes and a peace will come over me like never before and I’ll know that it was all worth it just to be there at that moment.
WRITTEN NOVEMBER 2017
For the past few weeks I haven’t been able to get out of bed to go running. Running has been my therapy. I’ve been struggling to get motivated or even be motivated. I’m just struggling. I don’t have a real partner that I can go to and have him hold me when I feel alone and in despair. My mom is here visiting but spends more time with the grandkids. My own sister, though she always listens is dealing with her own issues of infertility. I don’t have anyone to turn to. I feel very alone. Lost and in despair from not knowing what to do or where to turn to.
I don’t know why I’m even writing. I don’t want to hear that ‘stress is getting in the way’ or ‘if it’s meant to be it will happen’ or that ‘god has a plan for me’ or ‘take my kids’ or ‘kids are hard’ or whatever other nonsense people think is ok to say. Adopt or take on a hobby or some other bullshit is what people want to say because they don’t know. Baby shower invitations sit on my counter, my fridge is covered with thank you notes from moms who send pics of their kids and countless holiday cards with pictures of babies, kids and families. I’m not mad at them for I am not an envious and evil person but I want to be them. Is that wrong? To want what someone else has? I want to send out holiday cards with my babies, I want to invite people to my baby shower. I want to have a husband that leans his head into my pregnant stomach. I want swollen feet. I want to be woken in the middle of the night from a crying baby. Instead I’m mentally preparing myself to learn to accept that I will die alone and childless; I won’t become a mother. I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to accept. I’m struggling.
I don’t know why I can’t even sustain a relationship with a man. After my divorce some 6 years back I changed as a woman. I became more nurturing and loving. With my ex husband I was too rigid, calculated and sometimes manipulative. I have a great career. At home I’m what you can consider an ideal woman, I cook and clean and love having sex. Perhaps I scare men off. Perhaps I’m too aggressive and I swear I try my best not to be. Perhaps love simply isn’t in the cards for me. I have a man in my life but he will never be truly mine. He is young and the possibility of fatherhood is still present. I swear though i would stay with him even if he fathered elsewhere; if it was something he would want but I’m deviating. I can’t even really consider him mine since I never really spend time with him at all. I’ve been seeing him for about 8 months and our relationship is not a conventional one. It’s makes me sad to think I can’t be loved. How can i even consider asking someone like that anything in regards to my situation, like adoption? I’ve thought of adoption but if adoption is hard for a married couple imagine what it’s like for a single woman?
I bought my house almost 5 years ago and it was such an amazing milestone for me because I did it all on my own. The house was supposed to represent the beginning of a new life with someone I had met. I thought that in this home I would get a real marriage and a family with my white picket fence and a dog. That man left 1 week after I closed on my house and I’ve never spoken to him ever again. He went back to his ex-wife and I truly hope he is happy wherever he is. I wish no ill will towards anyone. In the end I busted my ass in this house and I loved it until recently I felt that this house was a burden weighing down on what my dreams were supposed to be. It’s time to let it go. My house will be on the market as early as this upcoming year. It’s time for me to accept that I’m alone and that I don’t need a 3 bedroom house with all this space just for me. It’s a big step but it’s an important one to begin my healing.
Will I ever understand why this has happened to me? I don’t know. Going through all those medical procedures and experiencing so many ups and downs definitely did a number on me and broke me down in ways I never imagined. Hiding it from people at work, which i still do but was much harder when i was injecting myself and taking a million vitamins and trying to stay stress free was even harder. Every 2 week wait that I experienced was horrible because it ended with a negative pregnancy.
That hope of a maybe and the possibility of one day cradling your newborn is so strong it makes even an atheist or agnostic believe. In the end after 9 or 10 failed procedures (I lost count) I gave up because of lack of funds and because my partner at the time just wasn’t there emotionally, financially or even physically. He simply did not care. He ended up leaving about 8 months after I stopped all the procedures and honestly it was for the best. I think he resented me for putting him through all the procedures though in the beginning he wanted it as much as I did. Also my asking that he be more supportive from all angles wasn’t something he knew how to do. He had mentally checked out somewhere after the 3rd or 4th procedure. I don’t hold anything against him but maybe if he would have shown more love I would have been pregnant. Maybe not but I can’t sit here and think about that.
I wish i could explain to you in so many words how hard it has been for me these past months without you. I’ve dreamed, fantasized and wondered so many different things. Being away from you though and that pain has been very real. I’ll confess I’ve even shed a tear or two because of it.
It’s crazy because you have got to be the most absent and distant person i have dealt with in my entire life but when you speak, you speak volumes. A few words and it’s enough to make me fall to my knees and hold on desperately to this insane fantasy in my head.
I know im Crazy and that these fantasies are mine alone but you are just perfect in my eyes. You can’t even begin to imagine all the insane things that pass through my mind. The many thoughts of the unknown that i allow my mind to think about, knowing damn well I’m being foolish.
I miss you my King. Nobody touches my heart and soul the way you have. No one ignites the flames in my eyes the way you have. Nobody penetrates the core of my very existence the way you have. It’s you, it’s always you……….
What is a boyfriend? Today I was reminded that I never use that word anymore. I’m older and I would like to think wiser but I never use that word anymore. Society has changed and thus has made us more surrounded by walls despite wanting that thing called love. We seek the warmth of another’s skin, the smile that turns into a kiss for our face; we seek the hand which fingers interlock with ours. We stand in the shower and as the glass fogs we draw our initials in a heart hoping to seal in the possibility of a relationship. We watch movies where the end is a home full of love and the endless possibilities of an amazing family.
What reality does not show is that perhaps you are older and can no longer bare any child to any man. It does not show that maybe you’ll find a man who will accept you because all he wants is your love and he isn’t interested in children. It doesn’t show that maybe he has children and now he wants to share that life with you. The happily ever after doesn’t show you that perhaps you both live in a great apartment instead of a house and that it’s perfect for you two and maybe a dog. So many different happily ever afters but where is yours. Where is my happily ever after?
A few weeks can change a person so drastically. I experienced a heartbreaking ordeal in 2015-2016 which would forever change the woman I had become. I wanted love and a home with a white picket fence and maybe a dog with a big family but God looked down at me and laughed. I did everything right in life except maybe I was always too independent. I was always in charge but it was because deep down I wanted a man to see what an asset as a woman I was. It backfired on me. I got a career, a home, a car yet I live alone with no one but my shadow. Men don’t want me because I can’t give them children and I’m just not a ‘girl’. I’m too aggressive I’ve been told; intimidating to so many. It’s crazy how one day you feel you are doing everything right and when you look back you realize you did everything wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t have aspired for so much and then maybe I would have been more marketable for a man. The truth is that i no longer care. All I want today in life is to find men that will give me physical pleasure and be content with just that. #Loveless #FuckLove #MenWantWeakWomen #ImTooAggressive #FuckMen #IonlyNeedTemporaryWarmth #LoveIsOverRated