I finally let go of the pain inside. I cried until I got a headache because it was all I could do. I cried for the loss of the man I have most loved in my life. I had to let him go because he didn’t love me back. I would have stayed if it weren’t for my incessant brain always searching for love. Damn our minds sometimes ruin things. The physical connection I had with this man surpassed any love I had ever encountered. It created a mental connection unlike any other. I would have done anything to retain him but his love hurt me so bad because it was always and only on his terms. His way of loving sometimes felt like rejection and my heart was breaking apart slowly. Yes I love him, I believe I always will. They say true love never goes away even when it isn’t reciprocated, it just becomes something else. I’m ok with that. I gave him up to chase love and now all I have is pain and despair.
I believe I have an obsession about you. It’s not an unhealthy obsession but more of a fascination. When i stare at your pictures it’s not like a woman who is staring at the eyes of her lover. The stare is more like that of a fan who is obsessed with a star she has never met. It’s not something I can quite place my finger on. When I see you though and you’re in front of me or you text or even the rare times you call it’s like I’m star struck. I’m left in awe of what is before me. Obsessions are created more from people who have never met their favorite actor or singer or famous persona. That’s the thing though, to me it’s like you’re this unattainable person and yet I’ve tasted you in so many different ways. I don’t think that’s something I’ll ever stop feeling no matter the time that passes or what may transpire between us………
What is that thing we call love? Is it really all that wonderful and patient and all that other jazz they talk about? We watch it on tv, listen about it in our music, visualize it through words in a story. We want to experience it the way it’s so described and depicted. The truth though is that it comes in so many different shapes and forms and by the time it trickles down to us it’s been tainted, broken down and so diluted that it’s hard to see the beauty in it. The beauty though is there and it’s present because no matter how many times we get broken, we push through it and again give it life by believing in the next person we feel might bring us light. It’s the possibility of that light and that new beginning and maybe even prospect of happily ever after that keeps our hearts and minds open to the possibility.
We get broken down to a cold and hopeless place. We cry and scream and do whatever is necessary to exorcize the pain from within our minds; but somehow we manage to get past it and begin anew. Why? Why do we venture out knowing that the possibility of anguish could one day come knocking at our door again? We do it because there is still that hope that the next time someone will come and give us a kiss that will breed new life and the possibility of new love. The hope of love…
Are we masochists though that we would take a chance that could ultimately lead us to another hurtful and devastating point in our lives? Why take the chance despite the hope within us that true love could finally come knocking on our door? We take those chances because of that euphoric feeling that ignites our very beings. You wake up, stare at his or her pictures, you daydream all day, you try to steal a look here or there, maybe even with social media now, go through their feed and imagine them with you or rather you with them. These small gestures make us feel alive again. It’s a feeling we all want and desire. It is why we continue to give in to so called love knowing it might not end well.
Love in its totality is so beautiful. It shows us our best and it show us our worst. It’s about learning from both spectrums about ourselves. In the end what we seek is for someone to stick by us as we would stick by them; to show up and to just be there. Do I believe in love? I do. Despite seeing myself at lows which I can’t even describe, I still believe. I still believe that one day I’ll sit next to the love of my life and stare into their eyes and a peace will come over me like never before and I’ll know that it was all worth it just to be there at that moment.
Sometimes you wake up and you realize it’s just you. You are all you have and it’s ok. It’s ok because you know you are going to make it and no one is going to tell you otherwise. Life throws so many curve balls at you and the only thing you can do is keep trying to get it out of the ballpark. Today is like any other day and I know I just have to embrace it. The last two weeks I’ve cleansed my mind, thoughts and heart of all negative things. It’s hard to just let go and move forward but even this idea of holding on to a lost hope of a miracle baby was holding me back. I’m letting go because I don’t want anything holding me back. Every day I see and feel the changes in my body and I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to talk about it and I don’t know who to turn to. One minute I’m burning up and the next I’m freezing. My menstrual cycle is highly irregular and doesn’t even show up sometimes. Yes I’m still young for what I’m going through but I believe I’m pre-menopausal. Unfortunately it’s something that runs in my family, the early onset of menopause. Life is cruel but it’s a reality I need to accept. I think though I’m really coming to terms with it. It’s insane how a month or two can make you see things differently. I started running again and it helps a lot. It’s a real escape to just hit the pavement and go. It’s a time when my mind is most free and liberated. I can let go of my pain and anger and feel truly at peace. What still bothers me is waking up and not having someone to talk to. Sure I have my girlfriends I can reach out to but all of them have kids. They can’t even begin to understand me. They are also either married or with someone so I don’t call because I don’t want to be that friend that just calls to cry and complain. To be honest they say things sometimes that are so inappropriate and just wrong because they simply do not understand. At our gatherings I’ve even stopped talking as much as I used to but I don’t think anyone has even noticed. I’m tired of the senseless comments. I lay in bed terrified at meeting up with my friends tomorrow and excited at a girls night out but I can’t hide either. I welcome the one or two that truly know to not speak out of terms and I walk away from the idiotic and hurtful comments. I know they mean well but why friends don’t stop and actually look up WHAT NOT TO SAY to their infertile friend is beyond me. Plus I’ve always been good at just keeping things to myself and smiling at the world. It’s what I do best. I smile, laugh and keep it all bottled in.
I think I came to a realization that Infertility was either going to define me or I was simply going to kick it in the ass and keep moving. I of course chose the latter. I decided to look at it and simply smile because I couldn’t change anything. Why live with a pain that you have no control over? Don’t get me wrong, I still feel that God played me dirty in this thing called life but i have simply decided that it wasn’t going to be something that defines who I am as a person. Do I pray for miracles? Yes of course! I don’t think you truly ever stop hoping. It’s about finding a balance. It’s about not letting that hope be 95% of your day; maybe just 15 lol! I can wake up and know I won’t be a mom and it’s not as overwhelming as it was. Accepting it was my first step and that was the hardest part. Once I realized I had to let go of these dreams that wouldn’t come to fruition then the rest of my feelings followed suit. I feel I’m in a good place right now. Running has become my go to for all worries and stress dumps. I even started exercising a bit at home so I can get my body back in shape. If I can’t get fat and swollen and have back pains due to pregnancy then I might as well try to lose this excess weight, work towards looking fabulous physically and give fitness a real try by embracing my infertility. I know I have a long way to go in terms of true acceptance but I have started and for me that is a real breakthrough. I reached a point where I couldn’t just lay in bed crying every morning or every night. I also stopped imagining that men will be ok with my infertility so I stay away from men who have no kids. I don’t ever want a man to hold against me that I did not give him children. It’s so much that infertile women have to go through. The one man who has been a constant in my life this past year but not by any conventional means is not a father but is free to walk away when he sees fit. I dread that day and know it will be another grand loss for me but at least I am as mentally prepared as I can be. After our initial encounter I was forthcoming with him about my infertility and asked him to never speak of it. He has respected that and though I care for him deeply I know the time will come when he will meet a woman who can give him a home and a family and he will no longer be in my life. It pains me but not as much as it would pain me if he later would regret not being a father because he stuck with me. It’s another reality I live with and am working through mentally. Infertility sucks all around. There is no way to put it all in one neat package and even attempt to put a bow on. It’s a harsh reality that so many of us deal with. We can only do our best with the pain we have been dealt.
This post I wrote as I was on a plane returning to NY. It was written on 04/03/17 around 1am.
THOUGHTS ON A PLANE
In life we encounter so many people that are sometimes simply just passing trough, others remain in a permanent fashion and there are those that remain in a limbo of sorts. They come and go every so often but never are truly far away from us. We fail to truly classify them because perhaps at one point wanted for them to remain and were not able to truly ever have them remain in our lives. The older we get we learn to disassociate ourselves from even those that we want to keep close. It’s like a wall we build up so that no one can get through it mentally. The pain we experience in our lives allow for us to create a detached mode within ourselves. I barely know him (junior) and yet by him allowing me into his private life he’s made me wonder if I could indeed allow someone into my life as he has allowed me into his.
I closed my door even when I was last involved with someone. My ex actually made me see that I could truly detach while still being very much present. In another time of my life I would have been all over Junior and just for the physical because that what I do best, but I see within me how much I have changed. I can become physical with anyone and not form an emotional bond. Is that bad necessarily maybe yes and maybe no.