01/14/18 0500hrs

Sometimes you wake up and you realize it’s just you. You are all you have and it’s ok. It’s ok because you know you are going to make it and no one is going to tell you otherwise. Life throws so many curve balls at you and the only thing you can do is keep trying to get it out of the ballpark. Today is like any other day and I know I just have to embrace it. The last two weeks I’ve cleansed my mind, thoughts and heart of all negative things. It’s hard to just let go and move forward but even this idea of holding on to a lost hope of a miracle baby was holding me back. I’m letting go because I don’t want anything holding me back. Every day I see and feel the changes in my body and I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to talk about it and I don’t know who to turn to. One minute I’m burning up and the next I’m freezing. My menstrual cycle is highly irregular and doesn’t even show up sometimes. Yes I’m still young for what I’m going through but I believe I’m pre-menopausal. Unfortunately it’s something that runs in my family, the early onset of menopause. Life is cruel but it’s a reality I need to accept. I think though I’m really coming to terms with it. It’s insane how a month or two can make you see things differently. I started running again and it helps a lot. It’s a real escape to just hit the pavement and go. It’s a time when my mind is most free and liberated. I can let go of my pain and anger and feel truly at peace. What still bothers me is waking up and not having someone to talk to. Sure I have my girlfriends I can reach out to but all of them have kids. They can’t even begin to understand me. They are also either married or with someone so I don’t call because I don’t want to be that friend that just calls to cry and complain. To be honest they say things sometimes that are so inappropriate and just wrong because they simply do not understand. At our gatherings I’ve even stopped talking as much as I used to but I don’t think anyone has even noticed. I’m tired of the senseless comments. I lay in bed terrified at meeting up with my friends tomorrow and excited at a girls night out but I can’t hide either. I welcome the one or two that truly know to not speak out of terms and I walk away from the idiotic and hurtful comments. I know they mean well but why friends don’t stop and actually look up WHAT NOT TO SAY to their infertile friend is beyond me. Plus I’ve always been good at just keeping things to myself and smiling at the world. It’s what I do best. I smile, laugh and keep it all bottled in.

I think I came to a realization that Infertility was either going to define me or I was simply going to kick it in the ass and keep moving. I of course chose the latter. I decided to look at it and simply smile because I couldn’t change anything. Why live with a pain that you have no control over? Don’t get me wrong, I still feel that God played me dirty in this thing called life but i have simply decided that it wasn’t going to be something that defines who I am as a person. Do I pray for miracles? Yes of course! I don’t think you truly ever stop hoping. It’s about finding a balance. It’s about not letting that hope be 95% of your day; maybe just 15 lol! I can wake up and know I won’t be a mom and it’s not as overwhelming as it was. Accepting it was my first step and that was the hardest part. Once I realized I had to let go of these dreams that wouldn’t come to fruition then the rest of my feelings followed suit. I feel I’m in a good place right now. Running has become my go to for all worries and stress dumps. I even started exercising a bit at home so I can get my body back in shape. If I can’t get fat and swollen and have back pains due to pregnancy then I might as well try to lose this excess weight, work towards looking fabulous physically and give fitness a real try by embracing my infertility. I know I have a long way to go in terms of true acceptance but I have started and for me that is a real breakthrough. I reached a point where I couldn’t just lay in bed crying every morning or every night. I also stopped imagining that men will be ok with my infertility so I stay away from men who have no kids. I don’t ever want a man to hold against me that I did not give him children. It’s so much that infertile women have to go through. The one man who has been a constant in my life this past year but not by any conventional means is not a father but is free to walk away when he sees fit. I dread that day and know it will be another grand loss for me but at least I am as mentally prepared as I can be. After our initial encounter I was forthcoming with him about my infertility and asked him to never speak of it. He has respected that and though I care for him deeply I know the time will come when he will meet a woman who can give him a home and a family and he will no longer be in my life. It pains me but not as much as it would pain me if he later would regret not being a father because he stuck with me. It’s another reality I live with and am working through mentally. Infertility sucks all around. There is no way to put it all in one neat package and even attempt to put a bow on. It’s a harsh reality that so many of us deal with. We can only do our best with the pain we have been dealt.