I believe I have an obsession about you. It’s not an unhealthy obsession but more of a fascination. When i stare at your pictures it’s not like a woman who is staring at the eyes of her lover. The stare is more like that of a fan who is obsessed with a star she has never met. It’s not something I can quite place my finger on. When I see you though and you’re in front of me or you text or even the rare times you call it’s like I’m star struck. I’m left in awe of what is before me. Obsessions are created more from people who have never met their favorite actor or singer or famous persona. That’s the thing though, to me it’s like you’re this unattainable person and yet I’ve tasted you in so many different ways. I don’t think that’s something I’ll ever stop feeling no matter the time that passes or what may transpire between us………
What is that thing we call love? Is it really all that wonderful and patient and all that other jazz they talk about? We watch it on tv, listen about it in our music, visualize it through words in a story. We want to experience it the way it’s so described and depicted. The truth though is that it comes in so many different shapes and forms and by the time it trickles down to us it’s been tainted, broken down and so diluted that it’s hard to see the beauty in it. The beauty though is there and it’s present because no matter how many times we get broken, we push through it and again give it life by believing in the next person we feel might bring us light. It’s the possibility of that light and that new beginning and maybe even prospect of happily ever after that keeps our hearts and minds open to the possibility.
We get broken down to a cold and hopeless place. We cry and scream and do whatever is necessary to exorcize the pain from within our minds; but somehow we manage to get past it and begin anew. Why? Why do we venture out knowing that the possibility of anguish could one day come knocking at our door again? We do it because there is still that hope that the next time someone will come and give us a kiss that will breed new life and the possibility of new love. The hope of love…
Are we masochists though that we would take a chance that could ultimately lead us to another hurtful and devastating point in our lives? Why take the chance despite the hope within us that true love could finally come knocking on our door? We take those chances because of that euphoric feeling that ignites our very beings. You wake up, stare at his or her pictures, you daydream all day, you try to steal a look here or there, maybe even with social media now, go through their feed and imagine them with you or rather you with them. These small gestures make us feel alive again. It’s a feeling we all want and desire. It is why we continue to give in to so called love knowing it might not end well.
Love in its totality is so beautiful. It shows us our best and it show us our worst. It’s about learning from both spectrums about ourselves. In the end what we seek is for someone to stick by us as we would stick by them; to show up and to just be there. Do I believe in love? I do. Despite seeing myself at lows which I can’t even describe, I still believe. I still believe that one day I’ll sit next to the love of my life and stare into their eyes and a peace will come over me like never before and I’ll know that it was all worth it just to be there at that moment.
This piece is dedicated to DW for reminding me that there is still good in people and the possibility of love is always one turn of the corner away…..
I wish i could explain to you in so many words how hard it has been for me these past months without you. I’ve dreamed, fantasized and wondered so many different things. Being away from you though and that pain has been very real. I’ll confess I’ve even shed a tear or two because of it.
It’s crazy because you have got to be the most absent and distant person i have dealt with in my entire life but when you speak, you speak volumes. A few words and it’s enough to make me fall to my knees and hold on desperately to this insane fantasy in my head.
I know im Crazy and that these fantasies are mine alone but you are just perfect in my eyes. You can’t even begin to imagine all the insane things that pass through my mind. The many thoughts of the unknown that i allow my mind to think about, knowing damn well I’m being foolish.
I miss you my King. Nobody touches my heart and soul the way you have. No one ignites the flames in my eyes the way you have. Nobody penetrates the core of my very existence the way you have. It’s you, it’s always you……….