This Is Love,… I Think

Pase la noche pensando en ti…..
I reached over and you were not there. I wanted to feel your warmth. 

I searched for your hand to hold. I could not find your fingers to interlock with. 

I looked for your face in the dark. The absence of a beautiful man is what I was met with. 

My mind craves you.

My body desires you.

My heart wants you.

Boyfriends & Happily Ever Afters…

What is a boyfriend? Today I was reminded that I never use that word anymore. I’m older and I would like to think wiser but I never use that word anymore. Society has changed and thus has made us more surrounded by walls despite wanting that thing called love. We seek the warmth of another’s skin, the smile that turns into a kiss for our face; we seek the hand which fingers interlock with ours. We stand in the shower and as the glass fogs we draw our initials in a heart hoping to seal in the possibility of a relationship. We watch movies where the end is a home full of love and the endless possibilities of an amazing family. 
What reality does not show is that perhaps you are older and can no longer bare any child to any man. It does not show that maybe you’ll find a man who will accept you because all he wants is your love and he isn’t interested in children. It doesn’t show that maybe he has children and now he wants to share that life with you. The happily ever after doesn’t show you that perhaps you both live in a great apartment instead of a house and that it’s perfect for you two and maybe a dog. So many different happily ever afters but where is yours. Where is my happily ever after?

DV (Deco)

Today I realized that even as we grow, those around us do not. Age does not make us more intelligent or even more weary of how to treat others. It’s only after we hurt and deal with certain situations in our lives do we realize that we need to treat people with a certain kind of respect. We don’t do it for them, we do it because it makes us better human beings. 
Last week I hooked up with a guy who I genuinely thought was ‘nice’. I’ve known of him for years but never really reached out to engage in conversation until last month. So we got together and I thought he was god sent!! Not sexually because to be honest I felt he lacked a bit of experience but as a person. I got to his place after work and he let me take a long shower, he washed all my clothes and in the morning he even took me to breakfast. Fuck I thought, I could work with this! I could definitely help him improve sexually and was willing to overlook that for being such a nice guy.
But boy was I wrong!!

My issue right now is why did I misjudge him. Am I so fucked up that the first guy who comes with ‘game’ is able to so easily deceive me? I know that my id still seeks to find companionship in some way or form. I know I would like to have a constant in my life that is more than just the sexual component but how did I misread him so much? 

Since last week (despite my leaving for 3 days on a Caribbean getaway) I have not spent any time with him. Normally it’s not a big deal but we work the same hours and he is 5 minutes away from my job! I would think that he would seek me out at least for the sexual component. 
I honestly think I’m out of touch with the world of men sometimes……

Freaking Men

So I went out last night with my friend. I don’t venture out much in my neighborhood because frankly I don’t know many people. I like my solitude a bit too much, except when it comes to men. I am well aware that I have a problem. I dare say it’s an addiction of sorts. I love men. When they are new in my life it’s like a part of me wakes up. Problem is that it happens ALL THE TIME!!! I can’t help it really and I don’t want to. I love kissing someone for the first time especially if the guy is a good kisser. It’s like you can disappear for a while behind the kiss and all the feelings it awakens in you. I love it when a man touches me for the first time and the attraction is insane. Yes I am aware that it probably happens to a lot of people but I love that feeling. It’s a feeling of hope and want. Few years back I would have jumped the guy and made him my boyfriend but the truth is I don’t want anyone. I don’t want a boyfriend that is. What my body craves is sex and only sex. I want to connect with someone but only in a sexual capacity. Am I a nymphomaniac? I don’t know to be honest. I know that my sexual conquests probably put me in the category of being one. Also because I can’t remember how many men I’ve slept with and it’s way more than 100.

So back to my initial story. I went on out last night and gave a chaste kiss to a security guard because he was 7’1″, I mean I was so sexually curious as to how we would fit together. I’m only 4’11” so you can imagine that my mind was in sorts of how this man could put me in insane positions. I was also so curious about his penis size so I gave him a kiss and left my number with him. I hope he calls.

I also met another guy who was accompanied by the guy who was interested in my friend. He was sexy as fuck in a plain sort of way. He had a great mustache and beard and his smile was insane. He kept putting his finger on my thigh and I made it my business to touch him every chance I got! I was imagining what his body looked like under his clothes. At one point I thought he was going to take his shirt off and fuck if I didn’t get all anxious just waiting. Ugh I’m such a slut I swear. 

That’s my problem right there. I’ll probably never speak to that 7 foot security guard again and it’s unfortunate but the other guy I know for sure I will be sleeping with. Which brings me to my next issue. I’ve been on a mission to get in shape and lighten my body everywhere and including all my intimate areas. I’m trying to lighten my knees, toes, elbows, anus, thighs between my vagina and my underarms. Yes I need to lighten these areas because I feel they look unattractive to the male species. I know it’s a bit extreme but it will make me feel better. Losing weight also would make me look more attractive because let’s face it I would look sexier in bed and being on top when riding a guy naked. 
#Thoughts #Sex #Men #SexualRelationships #Nympho #Nymphomaniac #AnalBleaching #SkinBleaching #LosingWeight

Thoughts On A Plane

This post I wrote as I was on a plane returning to NY. It was written on 04/03/17 around 1am.
THOUGHTS ON A PLANE

In life we encounter so many people that are sometimes simply just passing trough, others remain in a permanent fashion and there are those that remain in a limbo of sorts. They come and go every so often but never are truly far away from us. We fail to truly classify them because perhaps at one point wanted for them to remain and were not able to truly ever have them remain in our lives. The older we get we learn to disassociate ourselves from even those that we want to keep close. It’s like a wall we build up so that no one can get through it mentally. The pain we experience in our lives allow for us to create a detached mode within ourselves. I barely know him (junior) and yet by him allowing me into his private life he’s made me wonder if I could indeed allow someone into my life as he has allowed me into his. 

I closed my door even when I was last involved with someone. My ex actually made me see that I could truly detach while still being very much present. In another time of my life I would have been all over Junior and just for the physical because that what I do best, but I see within me how much I have changed. I can become physical with anyone and not form an emotional bond. Is that bad necessarily maybe yes and maybe no.

#DefenseMechanism #Life #NoEmotions #NoEmotionalBonds #JustSex #JustPhysical 

180degree

A few weeks can change a person so drastically. I experienced a heartbreaking ordeal in 2015-2016 which would forever change the woman I had become. I wanted love and a home with a white picket fence and maybe a dog with a big family but God looked down at me and laughed. I did everything right in life except maybe I was always too independent. I was always in charge but it was because deep down I wanted a man to see what an asset as a woman I was. It backfired on me. I got a career, a home, a car yet I live alone with no one but my shadow. Men don’t want me because I can’t give them children and I’m just not a ‘girl’. I’m too aggressive I’ve been told; intimidating to so many. It’s crazy how one day you feel you are doing everything right and when you look back you realize you did everything wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t have aspired for so much and then maybe I would have been more marketable for a man. The truth is that i no longer care. All I want today in life is to find men that will give me physical pleasure and be content with just that. #Loveless #FuckLove #MenWantWeakWomen #ImTooAggressive #FuckMen #IonlyNeedTemporaryWarmth #LoveIsOverRated